How The Grinch Stole Finals:

Happy Holidays from all of (one of us) at xoxoclowngirl.blogspot.com!
Everyday we (me) will be posting a new story to get you into the holiday spirit!
So without further ado,
I give you,

How The Grinch Stole Finals:

BY CLOWN GIRL, THE GREATEST STUDENT KNOWN TO MANKIND

 

*An actual picture of the one and only CG during finals. Lock up your junkfood, and hide your coffee people!

-------------------
Everyone in college studied a lot,
But CG who lived ten minutes to campus did not.


CG hated school! The whole studying season!
Now, please don't ask why. We don't know the reason. 


It could be, perhaps, that she only stayed up drinking at night
It could be that her head wasn't screwed on just right.


But I think that the most likely reason of all, 
May have been that her pants were five sizes too small.


But, whatever the reason, her insomina,fat ass, or the booze,
She stood there the night before her final needing to snooze.


Staring down from her laptop with a sour, CG frown,
She dreamed of a vacation where she could tan and turn brown.


For she knew that she would probably fail her final tomorrow
And sincerely her heart was then filled up with sorrow.

"And I can't get off facebook!" she snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is my final! It's practically here!"


Then she went to get coffee to keep in the spirit of bumming,
"I must find some way to keep this final from coming!


For, this week I have five in a row,
and I want to go home and can't deal with this snow!

Then she got an idea! An awful idea!
CG got a wonderful, sleep deprived, awful idea!


"I know just what to do!" CG laughed in her throat.
"I'll make a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat."


And she chuckled, and clucked, "What a great stupid trick!
With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like Saint Nick!"


While that was entertaining for five minutes, CG quickly got bored.

So she decided to see if there was anymore coffee to be poured.

At five AM CG got lonely, 

as the library was not at all homely. 

"All I need is a boyfriend." CG looked around.
But since she was in the computer lounge during finals at five AM, there was none to be found.


Did that stop CG? Hah! She simply said,
"If I can't find a boyfriend, I'll make one instead!"


So she thought up an imaginary friend,
He was named Bill and he had brown hair,

she decided the way they'd met was at the county fair.

Then she took some imaginary yarn, 
And knit him an imaginary sweater, while she internet shopped at pottery barn!




Her best friend CS came into the library, and saw her credit card out


And CS was not stupid, so she began to shout.

"CG PUT YOUR CREDIT CARD AWAY! 

SAVE YOUR SLEEP DEPRIVED E-SHOPPING FOR ANOTHER DAY.

THE LAST TIME YOU DID THIS, DURING MIDTERMS, YOUR PURCHASE WAS SHIT

YOU BOUGHT CELLULITE REDUCTION SHORTS AND HATS FOR YOUR ARM PIT"

Then CG decided to giggle, and pouted, 
Her final was tomorrow, and so she shouted,

"I WISH I COULD PARTY, FUCK ALL THIS CRAP!"

And then started to cry because she had like 8 books to memorize sitting in her lap.

It was quarter of dawn. She was not at all prepared,
She didn't know the history of world war one, like she was supposed to, as she never had cared,

She started to get seriously sad, 

so she bought a whole cake, ate it and was glad.

Then she puzzled and puzzled till her puzzler was sore,
And then CG thought of something she hadn't before.


"Maybe I should study? I never did that before.
Yes,YES  I should study, maybe learn a bit more!"


So she buckled down, studied, and ate some more cake,
and kinda flirted with an actual real dude named Jake,


And what happened then? Well, it's said come what may,
That CG's fat ass grew three sizes that day!

And then the true meaning of finals came through at last,

don't procrastinate bitches, cause finals creep up fast!

Sometimes I Remember to Pack Underpants.

But a lot of the time I don't.

 Packing to go to the airport is hard.  If you know me well you know that I'm a relatively disorganized person. While most people like to make packing lists so that they remember everything,  I like to improvise. Usually this means that I forget something important, like my toothbrush or my underwear. It's okay though, if I forget my toothbrush I can buy one when I get there and if I forget my underwear I can just go commando for awhile till I decide to wear a dress and then go to target where I buy underpants in bulk in pretty colors.  Air travel and I do not get along, because it makes me really nervous. I don't know why, but whenever I enter the airport I become this giant ball of stress. This past weekend, I had a new opportunity for air travel and I was determined for it all to be different.

Let me start at the beginning:

You see lately I keep hoping that my life will turn into one of those  romantic comedies, where the weird funny girl suddenly gets noticed by the cute guy who's torn between her and some hot boring girl, and in the end figures out that the weird girl is the one he's supposed to be with.  (see: Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, The Breakfast Club, American Pie). What better place to set my very own romantic comedy than in an airport? Ideally it would go something like this:

–

Airport, Scene I

CG accidently walks into a luggage cart and rolls it into some hot guy

CG: Oh-fuck-sorry!

Hot Airport Hunk: That's okay. I think clumsiness is hot.

CG:Really?

H.A.H.:  yes. So are your glasses and your excessive use of the f-word. I like my girls stressed out and neurotic with a side of awkward. I love that you're kinda mean before you haven't had any coffee in the morning. Wait-. Did you just put a scarf on your head and are you pretending to be an old Russian jewish woman? That is so...sexy. We're like..soul mates. I don't think you have multiple personality disorder at all. You're just a creative spirit. Now here is a cup of coffee. Let's do it on this luggage carousel right now.

"You had me at 'Coffee' "

–

Anyways this is what really happened:

I forgot that before I got to meet my Airport Hunk, I had to get through airport security. Usually this means I get so nervous that I take my shoes off ages before I actually have to so I end up walking around the airport barefoot for a bit. Then I forget to take things that I'm supposed to out of my purse and always end up looking like a threat to national security.

–

TSA Agent: CG! You can't take this bottle of water, this bottle of shampoo, this pocket knife, this plant, this machete, this vibrator, or this baby I found in your purse onto the airplane!

CG: Do you want me to take my pants off for the strip search?

TSAA: NO! Now stop trying to steal my cup of coffee, cause I see that you're trying to do that- and go buy your own!

CG: YEAH, Well when I find my Hot Airport Hunk,. I wont HAVE to buy my own fucking coffee!

TSAA: What are you talking about? Where is your boarding pass?

CG: In my purse.

TSAA: Your purse just went through the scanner! Now we have to do it all over again!

Everyone else on line: Ughhhh

TSAA:Okay now where's your passport?

CG:oh it's...in my purse. Which you just put back into the scanner after I got my boarding pass out.

TSAA: just... just go through...

-

Once I get through security I start sitting in a corner with my laptop at the gate I'm supposed to be at. I'm fantasizing about all of the things H.A.H. and I will do together.

  All of a sudden I hear this announcement like “Excuse me, Can the passenger named CG please come to Gate 81?”

Oh shit shit shitttt, what did I do now? Well that's the gate where the plane is leaving for Miami, so maybe they want to send me to Florida now instead of New York? WHYYYY? Ugh what did I do? Did someone frame me for something? Am I going to end up on America's most wanted because I really didn't do anything and I don't want to be one of those people on the run. Or maybe someone like threatened me and I need to go into witness protection. OH WAIT! Maybe this is about H.A.H!! Wait Doesn't something like this happen in the Wedding Singer? He like goes and finds the girl on the plane and like-

“CAN THE PASSENGER CG PLEASE COME TO GATE 81?”

I go to Gate 81. There's no hot guy. I'm not going to Miami instead of New York. I just you know, casually left my passport on the floor for anyone to pick up while I was distracted buying coffee and someone found it and turned it in. NBD.

H.A.H. WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU? If you were here I know I wouldn't do things like lose my passport because we'd be perfect opposites like the movies say we're supposed to be. This means that you wont have the memory of a gold fish like I do.

What's my name again? Where am I going? Who are you? Can we go to Starbucks? I need coffee. What's coffee?

-

Finally I'm sitting at my actual gate and I lock eyes with a potential cutie. Could it be... H.A.H?

-

Potential Cutie: Oh hey, what's your name.

CG: CG.

PC: CG, have you ever heard of this very exclusive club called the mile high club?

-

oh mah gah it's happening-wait...so he's going to take me to an exclusive night club? Those exist in the airport? 

-

CG: no, but that sounds great.

PC: okay see you on the plane.

-

Well I looked up the mile high club on my iphone. Haha funny story-turns out it's not an exclusive night club in the sky! AUGHHH where the fuck is my romantic comedy? Also seriously how could having sex in a closet with a toilet in it ever be comfortable?And what if there was turbulence? Would that make it better or worse? What if I like banged my head on the sink and got a concussion? I bet that would happen to me-

Before I can think of anymore scenarios the flight attendant's all:

“Excuse me, at the moment you are sitting in a seat where you will have to operate the emergency exit. I need verbal confirmation that you are comfortable with this.”
Okay, I'm really not comfortable with this. I'm not the best person to be around in an emergency, and I can't operate anything mechanical for shit.

Flight Attendant: “hello? Miss? The directions are on the back of the seat in front of you”

and I'm all:

“Sure I can operate it” because I don't want to make a big deal and get up and move seats.

What the heck do these directions say? I don't understand those pictures. Why can't the plane just have an emergency eject button? I hope we don't crash. Please don't crash. I feel way too responsible for everyones safety on this plane now.

PILOT? CAN YOU HEAR ME? IM SENDING YOU TELEPATHIC THOUGHTS! DO NOT CRASH THIS PLANE BECAUSE THE PERSON SITTING IN THE EMERGENCY EXIT SEAT IS INCAPABLE OF OPERATING IT. AHHH SO MUCH PRESSURE SO MUCH PRESSURE SO MUCH-

Flight attendant: “um, miss would you like anything to drink?”

CG:“sure coffee would be great thanks-”

SO MUCH PRESSURE SO MUCH PRESSURE SO MU-

I wake up safe and sound at my destination cuddling with the emergency exit sign.

maybe the exit sign is my soul mate?
-

Things I did not find this time around:

- love or H.A.H but I know he's out there.

Things I did find:

-lots of coffee and an offer to join the mile high club

Life is good.

Xoxo,

Clown Girl  

Rejection Brings Out the Best in Me

I got a restraining order against Santa and Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. It's not my fault! Honest. So here's what happened:
--
Dear CG,
Thank you for your audition and application to be an elf in Santa's Workshop.  We hope that you found your time in the North Pole for callbacks stimulating and welcoming. We regret to inform you that we had a number of talented applicants this year and unfortunately could not choose you for this year's group of elves. Many things factored into our decision. We worked very hard to choose the most diverse group of elves possible, but feel that you do not fit the North Pole's profile effectively.  Again, best wishes in all of your future endeavors.
Sincerely,
Santa Claus

After reading the letter, I feel that this image best conveys how I felt:

--
Now I've faced a fair amount of rejection in my life. College applications, job applications, from men, from auditions, from school. You name it, I've experienced it. Usually I'd just let this one roll off my back and move on to the next thing. But I think every girl has her rejection snapping point. And I think I've finally reached mine this year. So I kind of wrote this gem of a letter back:
--
Dear Mr. Claus.
I appreciate that you took the time to write me a "personal" letter that summed up my experience interviewing to be an elf well. I had a wonderful time in the North Pole for callbacks and I thank you for the opportunity. But seriously Santa, fuck you. This might be worse than that one year I came to Macy's and you asked me to sit on your lap. Pervert.You know what Santa? You are seriously one closed minded dude. The fact that you would give up the opportunity to work with an elf of my stature is ludicrous.  I sing ALL the fucking time. I'd make a damn good happy elf. I didn't even need to be one of the elves that made toys. I would have been fine being one of those elves that cleaned the toilets. I just wanted an opportunity to better my self and hone my elfly craft. And you know what? Diversity my ass. I'm diverse. How many 5'8'' Jewish elves do you exactly have working in your workshop? I would've looked great in your stupid North Pole pamphlets.  Oh I get it. You don't want any tall Jewish elves from New York in your workshop, do you? You want your workshop to be filled with a bunch of fucking midget cookie cutter elves from the midwest. You don't want an elf with an independent spirit because then she might lead an elf revolution against your reign of tyranny. She might teach the elves about unions, and labor laws. I smell a discrimination law suit.  You're a bigger douche than the Easter Bunny when he wouldn't let me paint eggs because I ate all of his chocolate. You've crushed all of my dreams Santa. I hope that you're happy with yourself. 
Sincerely,
-Clown Girl

--
Dear CG,
I find it quite offensive that you are claiming that the reasons you were rejected from my workshop have to do with you being tall and Jewish. If you would like to sue me for discrimination I would be happy to show the court your interview file.  The reasons as to why you were rejected have to do with the fact that Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer did not feel that you were a strong enough candidate for our elf program. He did not feel that you were serious enough to enter our rigorous training program and feels that you would be better off re-interviewing in a couple of years when you are done with your college degree. Please contact Mr. Reindeer if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
Santa Claus

 

Rudolph did it with Bambi's mom. What an asshole.

--
okay this next letter is not one of my finer moments:
Dear Mr. Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer,
Fuck. You. I have worked my ass off with the sole intention of becoming an elf and you have completely screwed me over. What you think your so damn great with your red nose? I have a red nose too. I'm a clown. I make people laugh. What do you do? You're a fucking radioactive deer. What makes you qualified to judge whether or not I would make a good elf? Have you really had that lucrative of an elf career? You drive a goddamn sleigh with your big ugly nose. All of the reindeer hated you for a reason. You are way too judgmental and rude. You only tanked my scores because we were in voice class together as kids and I was better than you.  If I were you, I would sleep with one eye open at night.
xoxo,
Clown Girl.

Why I would Never Date Edward Cullen

With the new Twilight movie "Breaking Dawn" coming out this weekend, the fourteen year old girl inside all of my girlfriends has gone out of control.

A typical conversation this week has gone like this:
--
"Oh my god, oh my god. two. words. EDWARD CULLEN. I like NEED him to be mine. ALL I NEED IN LIFE IS A BOYFRIEND LIKE THAT."
--
Aight, let me get this straight. You're all holding out for hairy pale men who stalk the shit out of you? Look, I understand where some of the appeal comes from. He's sparkly in the sun, and I love glitter. But do you really want a hundred something year old vampire  following you everywhere?
Seriously, have you ever thought about how awkward it is for Bella to go to the bathroom?
---
Bella: I have to take a shit.
Edward:  I love you. Do you have any idea how long I've waited for you to appear?
Bella: Edward, I really have to pee.
Edward: Bella, you are my soul mate. I want to be with you for the rest of my life.
----
Wow that's romantic. I think I've successfully ruined it for everyone now.
---

"When you can live Forever what do you live for?"

Wow I can think of 100 things to do if I lived forever and none of them include stalking some babe.....

---

Bella is seriously whiny and dependent and she can't save herself from anything. She's very clumsy, and if I were Edward I would get rid of her. It must be really hard for him to keep saving her from falling off cliffs and getting raped. I mean I know he's a vampire,  but he must have SOME sort of shit to do. When Edward leaves for like a year in Eclipse because his brother tries to eat her (okay seriously?) she totally flips out and starts hanging out with the hot werewolf guy. Okay, hot werewolf guy has a freakin' stellar bod, but Bella, you seriously need to learn how to live without a dude. Sweetie, if you forget to tie your shoe laces and your blood sucking boyfriend's not around to save you, you will be okay I promise.

(this is pretty much the only reason why I saw any of the movies)

---


 Edward: don't you have other things to do with your immortal life than stalk Bella, collect cars, and play baseball?  Shouldn't you be like planning for the future of your clumsy wife who can't find her way out of a paper bag and your vampire baby? Maybe like go to law school or something?

Another issue: Bella never gets laid. When she asks him to have sex with her he says they have to wait until they're married because if they have sex he's afraid he will kill her. WOW. that's great. Now let's talk about how when they do get married (at age 19?) and have sex he breaks their bed and impregnates her. Thanks buddy. GREAT story to tell everyone about your honeymoon.


Also he watches her sleep. WEEIRDD. If I woke up from all my middle of the night hotness (retainer, drool, etc) and someone was standing over me (even if they were really hot and sparkly) my first instinct would be to scream WHAT THE FUCK and punch them in the face, not declare the dude my soul mate. That's not love, it's restraining order material.
--
I kind of wish a dude had written Twilight, cause then it wouldn't have dragged on for so damn long. Edward would've seen Bella, he would've nailed her, and if he didn't kill her by accident in bed he would've gotten bored after a couple weeks and moved on with his life. And at least there would probably be a chapter about nachos.
--
In conclusion, I would like to thank Stephenie Myers, for producing a series that convinces women they need a vampire stalker to figure their lives out.

Anyways, gotta go meet up with my Cyclops boyfriend. It's our six month anniversary and I have to take him to the optometrist. He's my soul mate. We do everything together.
xoxo,
-Clown Girl

Life's a Bitch and So Are You.

As a girl, there's always that one week out of the month where you find yourself acting completely nuts but can't figure out why.  You hate the tiny birds on the sidewalk, you hate the shoes you just bought yesterday, and you hate your friend Sally because she went to class instead of cutting it to get coffee with you because for whatever reason you needed to talk about your feelings. You find yourself playing Taylor Swift as background music, and then you start crying because "Love Story" came on shuffle. Ew. Oh no, what's going on?

Relax, you're probably PMSing. 

To prevent further confusion, I've written a comprehensive guide so that you know when to not go out in public for seven days. Boys, if you sense any of these symptoms, definitely stay away for at least a week, that's about how long it takes for us to get over our momentary mental illness.

10 ways to tell you're PMSING

By Clown Girl

1) You wake up and want to eat a chocolate bar for breakfast with chocolate bread on a solid milk chocolate plate with chocolate sauce on top.

Soul porn....

2)You start sobbing uncontrollably in the library and some dude asks you why and it's because you watched a commercial for "Happy Feet 3" and couldn't deal with how cute the penguins were.

3) You have to wear all your pants unbuttoned for a week (and loosen your sweatpants)and cry at random points because you've gained five pounds. Then you solve the problem by eating a box of cookie dough. If someone looks at you for too long, you know it's because they think you're fat and you suddenly have this burning desire to throw a brick at their head.

4)The size two girl in your french class who knows all the answers to everything suddenly makes your blood boil. You think up elaborate plans to kill her. hm...what about feeding her to piranhas? That's a good one. Now to figure out how to get the piranhas to campus....

5) Every male on the planet is an asshole and you want to punch all of them in the face. 

 Let me demonstrate with a recent conversation with one of my male pals:

--

Male Pal: 'sup CG? How's it going?

CG: I hate life.

MP: What?

CG: FUCK OFF. 

MP:okay...

CG: YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME! I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW. I NEED A BAG OF PRETZELS AND I NEED TO GO LISTEN TO AVRIL LAVIGNE FOR 14 HOURS OKAY? SHE UNDERSTANDS MY SOUL.  

--

6) Why does everything always work out for the Disney princesses? why can't your life be a Disney movie? Why can't you be Belle?  Why does everything always work out on Gossip Girl?  Why can't you be like Blair Waldorf? Why does everything always work out in Sex and the City? Why can't you be like Carrie Bradshaw? Why does everything always work out on...

"Extra, Extra, read all about it, an xoxoclowngirl.blogspot exclusive,Snow White kicked Prince Charming and the Seven Dwarves out of her house for leaving the toilet seat up while she had her period"

7)Your boobs are ginormous but this somehow causes your brain to grow six sizes smaller. Why did you put your cellphone in the vegetable crisper even though you hadn't consumed any alcohol? Well, if it's not alcohol it's probably PMS. Disclaimer: DO NOT drink and PMS. 

8)You overanalyze every human interaction possible.

"he went to go get a soda at the grocery store, so I should dump him because he likes soda."

"I know Jenny doesn't want to be friends because she bought a red sweater and red is my least favorite color."

"If I don't answer this text for an hour, then he'll know exactly why I'm mad. And I'm mad because he didn't text me back for an hour."

9) Incredible urges to bake and then immediately consume the whole pan of cupcakes/cookies/brownies/pie. Maybe all four if you were feeling extra ambitious. Then you cry because you ate everything. And a bag of Doritos. And a second dinner. And probably some sour skittles. But it wasn't your fault, you swear.

10) It suddenly becomes incredibly important to become organized so you try and clean your whole house, and start by color organizing your underwear drawer, but end up sitting on your kitchen floor with a pan on your head sobbing because you found out there's no new episode of modern family this week.

Enjoy the monthly crime scene in your pants ladies. 

Signing off,

xoxo,

-Clown Girl

Talk Nerdy To Me.

I think that I'm sexually attracted to my dentist.

Okay, I know this isn't normal. I'm not really sure why since his degree says that he graduated from University when I was around eight years old but he had a picture of the solar system on his office wall and he totally smelled like science.

I figured out in high school what my type was when this guy was trying to explain some bio crap to me so I wouldn't flunk my final and all I could focus on was that the words "mitochondria" and "photosynthesis" kind of turned me on. I still don't know what either of those words mean, but I know I like them.

Now, I have this problem: whenever I think someone is cute, I kind of turn into a moron.

oh wow that's sexy!

Anyways, for your own personal amusement I have re-enacted our dialogue (which thanks to me was a train wreck) and placed them into a couple of short vignettes. So here it is.


"TALK NERDY TO ME"
by Clown Girl

ACT I, SCENE I:
Dr. D: "So CG, do you get nervous when you go to the dentist?"
CG: "um, yes.I do I think so."

Dr. D: "Really? Why?"

CG: "Um..well like uh, and stuff? you know like mouthwash. as a child. gingivitis is really bad. I brush my teeth sometimes. no i mean-HA i brush my teeth like every day. No like twice a day I mean." (insert giggle) OH MY GOD DID YOU JUST GIGGLE? YOU'RE DISGUSTING.
---
Dr D. : "So, CG, how much do you floss?"

CG: "um, like once a day-" YOU FUCKING MORON YOU DON'T FLOSS ONCE A DAY AND HES GOING TO FIND OUT WHEN HE STICKS HIS FINGERS INSIDE YOUR MOUTH. DID YOU JUST LIE TO YOUR DENTIST?
---
Dr D. : "Do you have problems with the appearance of your smile?"
CG: *awkward lingering smile*
Dr. D. : "So you don't?"
CG: "what?"
Dr. D.: "Have a problem with your smile?"
CG:" yeah I smile."
---
This was followed by awkward clumsiness which if you're me is a fool proof sign of sexual arousal.

I almost broke his x-ray machine because I tripped over my own feet, but I missed it and knocked over a tray of medical equipment instead.  HOTNESS.
--

Dr. D: "Open your mouth and say AH"
(CG OPENS MOUTH AND DOESN'T SAY AH)
Dr. D: "What, no voice?"
CG: "what? Oh. AHHHHH."
--
This was followed by the poorly placed musical references. I do this when I get really nervous and run out of things to say.
Dr D. "I think you have some cavities in one of your quadrants"
CG: "haha the mean cat in the musical Cats is the Cavity Cat. Quadrants sounds like math!"
Dr. D: "so now we're just going to give you some extra fluoride..."
CG: "haha Flora is the name of the girl in The Turn of the Screw. It's like an opera. The name is misleading though because nobody actually screws. It's not like porn or anyth- Benjamin Britten wrote it. So music is great, am I right? Teeth are great too!"
--
Dr. D "wow you're mouth looks really great, you haven't had much work done at all, have you?"
CG: "Yeah I work out."
--
Dr. D: " your teeth have some wear, you should definitely keep wearing your mouth guard at night, you have mature teeth for your age."
CG: "yeah this one time when I was sixteen I went to another dude and he was like "wow we need to take your wisdom teeth out because you're a freak and have advanced teeth or some shit".
--
Dr. D: "So you go to McGill? I went to McGill."
CG: "McGill? oh- I go to McGill."
--
Dr. D: "So I'm just going to palpate your nodes a little..."
CG: "Palpate is a sexy word. I mean what?"
--
He didn't ask me for my number, but I know he will next time. We had an intense connection. He probably thinks I'm charming.

A wise woman once said: "I'm a Mouse, duh"

When you're a kid, you don't realize that Halloween eventually becomes a four day drinking binge in college.

Back then, Halloween was all about trick or treating and having the cutest costume.  If you were popular, you'd get invited to Abby's Halloween party that took place in her basement. If you were awkward (like me) you spent it with your bff Jeffy reenacting scenes from Harry Potter whilst shoveling twix bars into your mouth.

8th Grade: For popular girls, Halloween is all about going to boy-girl parties while wearing cat ears or cute Dorothy costumes. If you're awkward (like me) it's about knocking over the tub of water used for bobbing for apples and nervously shoveling too many twix bars into your mouth in front of too many people resulting in Abby calling you fat. She makes you cry, and then you get made fun of for the rest of the year.

When you go to high school, if you're Abby, Halloween becomes about wearing the sluttiest costume to school, doing cutesy things like baking pumpkin cream cheese muffins for boys, and going to parties where you maybe lose your virginity.

If you're awkward (like me) it's about not getting invited to those parties, going to the Rocky Horror Picture Show with Jeffy (who may or may not be gay) and accidentally making out with him so that you get made fun of for the rest of the year.

"Dammit Jeffy-I mean Janet"

When I went to University, I knew the awkward Halloween cycle needed to stop.  I decided to check out popular girl Halloween behavior, and have recently concluded this study.

So here it is for all of you awkwardlings out there:
 GUIDE ON HOW TO HAVE A HAPPY-GIRLY HALLOWEEN:
An Anthropological Study on Mean Bitches:
Dedicated to JR
By Clown Girl.

                                                           
1)You  need to come up with the skimpiest costume possible. Popular girls will spend hours googling "sexy costume ideas" which normally is just a pair of knee socks and some ears. One time I saw an angel costume on the victoria's secret site that was actually just underpants and a wand. Hot. do it. Wear it to class. People will totally still respect you as a person. Popular girls also need head popular girl to approve costume.The conversation usually goes like this:

"OMG JESSICA! I totes wanna be a bunny for Halloween!wouldn't that be like so cute? Isn't that so original?"

"Jenny, you can't like be a bunny, because Cindy was totes a bunny like, last year, so like you need to come up with something more original. Maybe like be a cheetah or something. No wait, I wanna be a cheetah, I totes just bought the perfectest cheetah dress at American Apparel, but you should like totes be a tiger"

"OMG that'd be like so cute, and then we can get Lizzie to like dress up like a lion so the three of us are all like marsupials togeths and we match!!!"

I bet if we switched her with one of the tigers at the zoo no one would notice a difference.

If you're not down with wearing underpants and ears, you can go to American Apparel and use Halloween as a good excuse to shop for clothes. It's okay that you spent 400 dollars on your Halloween costume, you'll like "Totes wear them again!"

You can also go the more creative slutty route (for you poor people) and go to H&M and cut up a tank top into something.

UNACCEPTABLE POPULAR GIRL COSTUMES:
-Food items (it's not cool to be a bunch of grapes or a hot dog. I learned the hard way.)
-things from dorky books unless you buy the costume from leg avenue so you look sexy like Harry Potter (I learned the hard way)
-mascot costumes that you wear while being naked (okay I did do this but it wasn't on Halloween and it involves a lot of beer, a dare, and a football team. Moral of the story: I learned the hard way)

2) So once you and your friends have a skimpy group costume decided, don't eat for a week before Halloween. If you have to eat, eat a hard boiled egg.  or a stick of gum. Or a yogurt. Or a piece of lettuce. I see you opening the fridge fatty. Was that you in the grocery store checking out the bulk candy? Get away from it-or else your ass wont fit into your costume,you'll look fatter than Jessica who hasn't eaten since last spring in preparation for Halloween, and it wont be any one's fault but your own.


Do these cat ears make me look fat?

3)Do some really cheesy domestic crap and invite a bunch of girls over to your house one night. Call it a pumpkin carving party, or make pumpkin themed baked goods. Take a bunch of pictures with your girl friends and upload it to facebook. Don't invite Lauren, because it's a "small thing" and "exclusive"  and she's only kind of your friend. Then, since we all know we don't eat before Halloween, take your domestic crap and drop it off at "THE GUYS' '" (all popular girls have "the guys" counterparts)  house. They will eat it, and you wont, because Jessica isn't and you don't want her to look better in her outfit.

4) You need a place for all of you to go on Halloween that's not totally lame. Jessica will decide with Tracy because they never do anything apart from one another. Then you'll do it. Because they're doing it. "THE GUYS" will go too, because Jessica told them to. The pre-drink will be at Jessica's house because Jessica told you it was.

5)Drink a lot. It's Halloween so some shit needs to go down. "THE GIRLS" will all get into a bitch fight with one another because they haven't eaten for three weeks, and "THE GUYS" wont know why you're all yelling at each other but they're down to see a cat fight.  It's probably because Lauren copied your oh so original cheetah costume. Fucking Lauren.

6) Spot a cute guy dressed up as something non dorky and go home with him. Don't go home with Optimus prime or Spiderman. Ew. They're both obviously bad in bed. Go home with the boy who wore sunglasses and a football jersey. Football jersey=good in bed. Spiderman=BAD.



7) The day after Halloween, wake up in football jersey's house. Prepare for walk of shame in your cheetah costume. You'll probably run into a bunny that has the same walk of shame to do. Maybe you guys can be friends and do it together. Start the list over, because it's only Thursday, and you still have three days left of college Halloween.
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Be safe. Wear a condom. Carve your pumpkins into the shape of a penis. Don't eat candy and drive.
I'm being a sexy armadillo this time around.  I hope it makes me popular.
xoxo,
Clown Girl

Dear Facebook,

I'm breaking up with you. Look, I'm sorry. I know that we have something special. We have a lot of the same likes, and you've definitely expanded my soul, mind, and body in the seven years that we've been together but you're just getting too much to handle. I'm the ultimate stalker Facebook, but when I'm creeped out by you, you know you have a problem. I don't need to know that 2 seconds ago Jack Adams peed in the toilet, that 1 second ago, Maya Trang is single, that .44 seconds ago Allan Gardens likes Fringe, and that 1.332344 seconds ago, this girl I spoke to one time during frosh/orientation posted on that guy I can't remember why I know's wall. Remember when we used to spend hours together not doing the things that we were supposed to? Remember that night I was trying to write a 12 page paper, but you helped me find out whether or not this kid I dated for a month that dumped me had a new girlfriend? Remember when you helped me figure out whether the most popular girl from high school got fat in college or not? You're no longer good for those things. You're distracting me and impeding on my social life. I guess you've just changed too much for me. I just want you to know, that you've broken my heart in more ways than one, that this is way harder  for me than it is for you and I hope one day we can be friends even though I may have cheated on you with twitter last night.
All my love,
xoxo
-CG

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Boobs

When I was 8 and my parents asked me where I wanted to go for my birthday I told them I wanted to go to Hooters.

Now, I know what you're thinking, but I actually thought that Hooters was an owl themed restaurant. Before you give me crap about it, there's an owl on the sign AND on the shirts, and this was around the time Harry Potter came out, so really it's their fault for false advertisement.  I thought that when we went to Hooters, owls were going to be flying around, maybe they'd drop mail on our heads, and Harry Potter would totally unquestionably without a doubt be there.


 When my parents said no, and tried to explain why, I threw a temper tantrum. I was good at those. I was  very dramatic and flung myself around a lot, (thank you acting school). So yeah, I landed my family in Hooters (Grandparents too) on my birthday.
Sucks when you're an 8 year old girl going for this:

Apparently this is called a Horned Owl.He's sexy. 

  

 

omg harry potter and owls!!

And you get this: 

For another kind of horned owl....

   


I've always loved magic and witches, but it's never been a healthy obsession. Because when I was a kid, I thought I was Harry Potter. But actually.

I wore glasses, and apparently to little CG, wearing glasses as a child=CG is Harry Potter. Figure that proof out, I dare you.


One day I'm going to write a help book that's like : "How to Raise an Over Creative Child for Dummies," and I will make millions.

My friend N and I decided we'd make our own NY Hogwarts one day. We made our own sorting hat, which was pretty much her baseball cap and me talking like the sorting hat. Our sorting hat was named Carlos and he was hispanic. Unclear on why, but that was the accent that I picked.

yo, get your fucking ass into Gryffindor.

Actually in hindsight, I probably should have made him British.

Since our Hogwarts was in New York, it meant that it was probably a crappy run down building with led paint and a ghost that used to be a construction worker that haunted the toilet. If Hogwarts was a public school, the ghost's toilet probably never worked anyway.

Instead of riding the Hogwarts express you get to ride the A train with the mariachi band that you give money to so they go away or Gus, the homeless man who smells so bad he gets his own train car.

We had pick up stick wands, and this one time we actually tried to bring her cat to school because they were allowed to do that at British Hogwarts.

Mail was delivered by pigeons cause we had a lower budget and can't afford owls like they can in Europe.

Well, a word of advice to all you kids out there: whatever is allowed at British Hogwarts is NEVER allowed at NYC public school Hogwarts. Do NOT steal the broom from the broom closet and pretend to ride it, and definitely don't decide that you're going to make art class into potions class and mix up all the paint and try to drink it or feed it to the goldfish to see what happens. Don't cast spells to try and set your teacher on fire when they give you math homework, and definitely don't try to pet pigeons during recess because they might be your familiar. They probably aren't, and  this will land you in Hooters on your 8th birthday, and in special Ed.

It's not like I know from experience or anything.

xoxo,
-Clown Girl

What is it about alcohol that makes bad ideas seem so good?

Alcohol and CG usually don't mix too well. Sometimes I feel like I should write a book sort of like "If you Give a Mouse a Cookie" but instead call it "If you Give a Clown a Beer". It's like I have my regular personality "CG" and my alternative drunk personality: El Bitcho. I feel like the hulk, except instead of getting really angry and green...I get really drunk and mean.  Oh hey rhyming, 'sup?

I wish i hit the gym this much.....

Chinese proverb: Alcohol makes the ballsy get ballsier.

This past Sunday, I woke up to find that I had left the contents of my purse all over the city and had to run around retrieving them to the best of my ability. Well look at that, drunk CG created herself a SCAVENGER HUNT!
Also my purse was in the fridge.
Also there was a sandwich in it.
Also I apparently had tried to swim in a fountain the night before.
Also I almost got a ticket twice.

Pick up Lines that Don't Work on Cuties:
"I just fell on my face and scraped my knee outside of second cup. Want to see my cut? It's bleeding"

I'm just so freakin' sexy.

xoxo,
-Clown Girl

I Have Long Accepted That I Will Never Be a Domestic Goddess...

I usually use my oven for storage space.

(Disclaimer:  if you enjoy a clean house, home cooked meals, and people who don't hold casual business meetings with their parrot/get arrested for breaking animals out of the zoo, don't marry or live with me.)

Somehow this still doesn't stop me from waking up in the morning and checking the latest entries on food gawker (my hard drive is loaded with images of sensual sandwiches and creamy frosting), and thinking "Hm...I think I can cook today." If I ever say this to you out loud, run in the opposite direction. Run, and hide all of your most valued possessions. 

Sometimes my girl C tries to cook dinner with me, and then quickly discovers that it probably is a better idea to make me clean up. After she commands this, she figures out that it would have been better to just make me stand in a corner with my back facing the wall. Eventually she just asks me to give her money for all the ingredients/damage to her brain cells.

I got my easy bake oven taken away as a child, because instead of making cupcakes i tried to figure out what made the light bulb turn on, and burned myself.

The last time I tried to make a cake in a real non-easy oven, it was for my friend A's birthday.  I got as far as putting all the eggs in the mix and adding salt because I wanted to see if I could make the Power Puff girls- then I got distracted by the latest episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta and forgot what I was doing. I later explained  to the rest of the girls that I was "doing homework" and "didn't have time to make a cake" and I bought a chocolate one that was probably much better than the one I would have made anyway.

I think you know you suck at cooking when you offer to make your family dinner and they take you out to eat in exchange for you not cooking.

Well whatever, I'm good at other things!

xoxo,

-CG

Time for My Favorite Word That Starts with F...

Facebook.  
Hi, My name is CG and I'm a Facebookaholic. This all started very innocently when I began working in an office which allowed me to be on facebook at the same time as working. That led to hours and hours of facebooking for me, during which I have stalked all of you. I have stalked your brothers, I have stalked your sisters-your cousins, as well as mothers fathers and dogs profiles. I would like to formally apologize for knowing too much information about all of you in advance.
Recently, I have moved on to twitter to stalk you all more intimately. If you have a twitter, please add me. I need it to get over my facebook addiction.
Thank you for your help,
xoxo,
Clown Girl

Changing directions.

Move Over TMZ!


Welcome friends, to the hottest fashion blog in town.
Here you can read about the latest things about being skinny and fashionable, as well as what is hot or not and who looked fat in their dress at the Oscars.


About  the writer:
CG is an eclectic well rounded individual with a passion for fashion, friends, definitely not food. She is a fantabulous dresser with a fitness fixation who refers to herself in the third person on her website to make it seem as though she is not a total egotistical maniac who wrote her own about me. She owns 3 horses in her small New York City studio apartment, and has won several prizes in everything. An aspiring model, actress, scuba diver, and movie extra, you can friend CG on facebook, add her on twitter,linked in, check out her website:
www.CGisnotanegotisticalmaniacandisactuallyveryprettyandtotallyawesomedontyouforgetit.com

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People I Find Incredibly Attractive:


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Wow, isn't Kourtney Kardashian hot? She is way hotter than her sisters Kim,Khloe,Katie,Krikey, and Koko.

She is totally the new Kim.
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Oh em gee, has anyone seen Emma Watson's new hair?

Love it. Care, because I told you to and I know everything.

I'm so the next Perez.