When you're a kid, you don't realize that Halloween eventually becomes a four day drinking binge in college.
Back then, Halloween was all about trick or treating and having the cutest costume. If you were popular, you'd get invited to Abby's Halloween party that took place in her basement. If you were awkward (like me) you spent it with your bff Jeffy reenacting scenes from Harry Potter whilst shoveling twix bars into your mouth.
8th Grade: For popular girls, Halloween is all about going to boy-girl parties while wearing cat ears or cute Dorothy costumes. If you're awkward (like me) it's about knocking over the tub of water used for bobbing for apples and nervously shoveling too many twix bars into your mouth in front of too many people resulting in Abby calling you fat. She makes you cry, and then you get made fun of for the rest of the year.
When you go to high school, if you're Abby, Halloween becomes about wearing the sluttiest costume to school, doing cutesy things like baking pumpkin cream cheese muffins for boys, and going to parties where you maybe lose your virginity.
If you're awkward (like me) it's about not getting invited to those parties, going to the Rocky Horror Picture Show with Jeffy (who may or may not be gay) and accidentally making out with him so that you get made fun of for the rest of the year.
"Dammit Jeffy-I mean Janet"
When I went to University, I knew the awkward Halloween cycle needed to stop. I decided to check out popular girl Halloween behavior, and have recently concluded this study.
So here it is for all of you awkwardlings out there:
GUIDE ON HOW TO HAVE A HAPPY-GIRLY HALLOWEEN:
An Anthropological Study on Mean Bitches:
Dedicated to JR
By Clown Girl.
1)You need to come up with the skimpiest costume possible. Popular girls will spend hours googling "sexy costume ideas" which normally is just a pair of knee socks and some ears. One time I saw an angel costume on the victoria's secret site that was actually just underpants and a wand. Hot. do it. Wear it to class. People will totally still respect you as a person. Popular girls also need head popular girl to approve costume.The conversation usually goes like this:
"OMG JESSICA! I totes wanna be a bunny for Halloween!wouldn't that be like so cute? Isn't that so original?"
"Jenny, you can't like be a bunny, because Cindy was totes a bunny like, last year, so like you need to come up with something more original. Maybe like be a cheetah or something. No wait, I wanna be a cheetah, I totes just bought the perfectest cheetah dress at American Apparel, but you should like totes be a tiger"
"OMG that'd be like so cute, and then we can get Lizzie to like dress up like a lion so the three of us are all like marsupials togeths and we match!!!"
I bet if we switched her with one of the tigers at the zoo no one would notice a difference.
If you're not down with wearing underpants and ears, you can go to American Apparel and use Halloween as a good excuse to shop for clothes. It's okay that you spent 400 dollars on your Halloween costume, you'll like "Totes wear them again!"
You can also go the more creative slutty route (for you poor people) and go to H&M and cut up a tank top into something.
UNACCEPTABLE POPULAR GIRL COSTUMES:
-Food items (it's not cool to be a bunch of grapes or a hot dog. I learned the hard way.)
-things from dorky books unless you buy the costume from leg avenue so you look sexy like Harry Potter (I learned the hard way)
-mascot costumes that you wear while being naked (okay I did do this but it wasn't on Halloween and it involves a lot of beer, a dare, and a football team. Moral of the story: I learned the hard way)
2) So once you and your friends have a skimpy group costume decided, don't eat for a week before Halloween. If you have to eat, eat a hard boiled egg. or a stick of gum. Or a yogurt. Or a piece of lettuce. I see you opening the fridge fatty. Was that you in the grocery store checking out the bulk candy? Get away from it-or else your ass wont fit into your costume,you'll look fatter than Jessica who hasn't eaten since last spring in preparation for Halloween, and it wont be any one's fault but your own.
Do these cat ears make me look fat?
3)Do some really cheesy domestic crap and invite a bunch of girls over to your house one night. Call it a pumpkin carving party, or make pumpkin themed baked goods. Take a bunch of pictures with your girl friends and upload it to facebook. Don't invite Lauren, because it's a "small thing" and "exclusive" and she's only kind of your friend. Then, since we all know we don't eat before Halloween, take your domestic crap and drop it off at "THE GUYS' '" (all popular girls have "the guys" counterparts) house. They will eat it, and you wont, because Jessica isn't and you don't want her to look better in her outfit.
4) You need a place for all of you to go on Halloween that's not totally lame. Jessica will decide with Tracy because they never do anything apart from one another. Then you'll do it. Because they're doing it. "THE GUYS" will go too, because Jessica told them to. The pre-drink will be at Jessica's house because Jessica told you it was.
5)Drink a lot. It's Halloween so some shit needs to go down. "THE GIRLS" will all get into a bitch fight with one another because they haven't eaten for three weeks, and "THE GUYS" wont know why you're all yelling at each other but they're down to see a cat fight. It's probably because Lauren copied your oh so original cheetah costume. Fucking Lauren.
6) Spot a cute guy dressed up as something non dorky and go home with him. Don't go home with Optimus prime or Spiderman. Ew. They're both obviously bad in bed. Go home with the boy who wore sunglasses and a football jersey. Football jersey=good in bed. Spiderman=BAD.
7) The day after Halloween, wake up in football jersey's house. Prepare for walk of shame in your cheetah costume. You'll probably run into a bunny that has the same walk of shame to do. Maybe you guys can be friends and do it together. Start the list over, because it's only Thursday, and you still have three days left of college Halloween.
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Be safe. Wear a condom. Carve your pumpkins into the shape of a penis. Don't eat candy and drive.
I'm being a sexy armadillo this time around. I hope it makes me popular.
xoxo,
Clown Girl
