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As a girl, there's always that one week out of the month where you find yourself acting completely nuts but can't figure out why. You hate the tiny birds on the sidewalk, you hate the shoes you just bought yesterday, and you hate your friend Sally because she went to class instead of cutting it to get coffee with you because for whatever reason you needed to talk about your feelings. You find yourself playing Taylor Swift as background music, and then you start crying because "Love Story" came on shuffle. Ew. Oh no, what's going on?
Relax, you're probably PMSing.
To prevent further confusion, I've written a comprehensive guide so that you know when to not go out in public for seven days. Boys, if you sense any of these symptoms, definitely stay away for at least a week, that's about how long it takes for us to get over our momentary mental illness.
10 ways to tell you're PMSING
By Clown Girl
1) You wake up and want to eat a chocolate bar for breakfast with chocolate bread on a solid milk chocolate plate with chocolate sauce on top.
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| Soul porn.... |
2)You start sobbing uncontrollably in the library and some dude asks you why and it's because you watched a commercial for "Happy Feet 3" and couldn't deal with how cute the penguins were.
3) You have to wear all your pants unbuttoned for a week (and loosen your sweatpants)and cry at random points because you've gained five pounds. Then you solve the problem by eating a box of cookie dough. If someone looks at you for too long, you know it's because they think you're fat and you suddenly have this burning desire to throw a brick at their head.
4)The size two girl in your french class who knows all the answers to everything suddenly makes your blood boil. You think up elaborate plans to kill her. hm...what about feeding her to piranhas? That's a good one. Now to figure out how to get the piranhas to campus....
5) Every male on the planet is an asshole and you want to punch all of them in the face.
Let me demonstrate with a recent conversation with one of my male pals:
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Male Pal: 'sup CG? How's it going?
CG: I hate life.
MP: What?
CG: FUCK OFF.
MP:okay...
CG: YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME! I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW. I NEED A BAG OF PRETZELS AND I NEED TO GO LISTEN TO AVRIL LAVIGNE FOR 14 HOURS OKAY? SHE UNDERSTANDS MY SOUL.
--
6) Why does everything always work out for the Disney princesses? why can't your life be a Disney movie? Why can't you be Belle? Why does everything always work out on Gossip Girl? Why can't you be like Blair Waldorf? Why does everything always work out in Sex and the City? Why can't you be like Carrie Bradshaw? Why does everything always work out on...
"Extra, Extra, read all about it, an xoxoclowngirl.blogspot exclusive,Snow White kicked Prince Charming and the Seven Dwarves out of her house for leaving the toilet seat up while she had her period"
7)Your boobs are ginormous but this somehow causes your brain to grow six sizes smaller. Why did you put your cellphone in the vegetable crisper even though you hadn't consumed any alcohol? Well, if it's not alcohol it's probably PMS. Disclaimer: DO NOT drink and PMS.
8)You overanalyze every human interaction possible.
"he went to go get a soda at the grocery store, so I should dump him because he likes soda."
"I know Jenny doesn't want to be friends because she bought a red sweater and red is my least favorite color."
"If I don't answer this text for an hour, then he'll know exactly why I'm mad. And I'm mad because he didn't text me back for an hour."
9) Incredible urges to bake and then immediately consume the whole pan of cupcakes/cookies/brownies/pie. Maybe all four if you were feeling extra ambitious. Then you cry because you ate everything. And a bag of Doritos. And a second dinner. And probably some sour skittles. But it wasn't your fault, you swear.
10) It suddenly becomes incredibly important to become organized so you try and clean your whole house, and start by color organizing your underwear drawer, but end up sitting on your kitchen floor with a pan on your head sobbing because you found out there's no new episode of modern family this week.
Enjoy the monthly crime scene in your pants ladies.
Signing off,
xoxo,
-Clown Girl
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