Dear Facebook,

I'm breaking up with you. Look, I'm sorry. I know that we have something special. We have a lot of the same likes, and you've definitely expanded my soul, mind, and body in the seven years that we've been together but you're just getting too much to handle. I'm the ultimate stalker Facebook, but when I'm creeped out by you, you know you have a problem. I don't need to know that 2 seconds ago Jack Adams peed in the toilet, that 1 second ago, Maya Trang is single, that .44 seconds ago Allan Gardens likes Fringe, and that 1.332344 seconds ago, this girl I spoke to one time during frosh/orientation posted on that guy I can't remember why I know's wall. Remember when we used to spend hours together not doing the things that we were supposed to? Remember that night I was trying to write a 12 page paper, but you helped me find out whether or not this kid I dated for a month that dumped me had a new girlfriend? Remember when you helped me figure out whether the most popular girl from high school got fat in college or not? You're no longer good for those things. You're distracting me and impeding on my social life. I guess you've just changed too much for me. I just want you to know, that you've broken my heart in more ways than one, that this is way harder  for me than it is for you and I hope one day we can be friends even though I may have cheated on you with twitter last night.
All my love,
xoxo
-CG

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Boobs

When I was 8 and my parents asked me where I wanted to go for my birthday I told them I wanted to go to Hooters.

Now, I know what you're thinking, but I actually thought that Hooters was an owl themed restaurant. Before you give me crap about it, there's an owl on the sign AND on the shirts, and this was around the time Harry Potter came out, so really it's their fault for false advertisement.  I thought that when we went to Hooters, owls were going to be flying around, maybe they'd drop mail on our heads, and Harry Potter would totally unquestionably without a doubt be there.


 When my parents said no, and tried to explain why, I threw a temper tantrum. I was good at those. I was  very dramatic and flung myself around a lot, (thank you acting school). So yeah, I landed my family in Hooters (Grandparents too) on my birthday.
Sucks when you're an 8 year old girl going for this:

Apparently this is called a Horned Owl.He's sexy. 

  

 

omg harry potter and owls!!

And you get this: 

For another kind of horned owl....

   


I've always loved magic and witches, but it's never been a healthy obsession. Because when I was a kid, I thought I was Harry Potter. But actually.

I wore glasses, and apparently to little CG, wearing glasses as a child=CG is Harry Potter. Figure that proof out, I dare you.


One day I'm going to write a help book that's like : "How to Raise an Over Creative Child for Dummies," and I will make millions.

My friend N and I decided we'd make our own NY Hogwarts one day. We made our own sorting hat, which was pretty much her baseball cap and me talking like the sorting hat. Our sorting hat was named Carlos and he was hispanic. Unclear on why, but that was the accent that I picked.

yo, get your fucking ass into Gryffindor.

Actually in hindsight, I probably should have made him British.

Since our Hogwarts was in New York, it meant that it was probably a crappy run down building with led paint and a ghost that used to be a construction worker that haunted the toilet. If Hogwarts was a public school, the ghost's toilet probably never worked anyway.

Instead of riding the Hogwarts express you get to ride the A train with the mariachi band that you give money to so they go away or Gus, the homeless man who smells so bad he gets his own train car.

We had pick up stick wands, and this one time we actually tried to bring her cat to school because they were allowed to do that at British Hogwarts.

Mail was delivered by pigeons cause we had a lower budget and can't afford owls like they can in Europe.

Well, a word of advice to all you kids out there: whatever is allowed at British Hogwarts is NEVER allowed at NYC public school Hogwarts. Do NOT steal the broom from the broom closet and pretend to ride it, and definitely don't decide that you're going to make art class into potions class and mix up all the paint and try to drink it or feed it to the goldfish to see what happens. Don't cast spells to try and set your teacher on fire when they give you math homework, and definitely don't try to pet pigeons during recess because they might be your familiar. They probably aren't, and  this will land you in Hooters on your 8th birthday, and in special Ed.

It's not like I know from experience or anything.

xoxo,
-Clown Girl

What is it about alcohol that makes bad ideas seem so good?

Alcohol and CG usually don't mix too well. Sometimes I feel like I should write a book sort of like "If you Give a Mouse a Cookie" but instead call it "If you Give a Clown a Beer". It's like I have my regular personality "CG" and my alternative drunk personality: El Bitcho. I feel like the hulk, except instead of getting really angry and green...I get really drunk and mean.  Oh hey rhyming, 'sup?

I wish i hit the gym this much.....

Chinese proverb: Alcohol makes the ballsy get ballsier.

This past Sunday, I woke up to find that I had left the contents of my purse all over the city and had to run around retrieving them to the best of my ability. Well look at that, drunk CG created herself a SCAVENGER HUNT!
Also my purse was in the fridge.
Also there was a sandwich in it.
Also I apparently had tried to swim in a fountain the night before.
Also I almost got a ticket twice.

Pick up Lines that Don't Work on Cuties:
"I just fell on my face and scraped my knee outside of second cup. Want to see my cut? It's bleeding"

I'm just so freakin' sexy.

xoxo,
-Clown Girl