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| Yup. That's me. 12th grade. Rockin' fashionable overalls I've had since I was 9 modeling "Chips Ahoy" by Nabisco. |
And here. 2013. "Cupcakes" by Calvin Klein
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Hi. My name is Clown Girl. You probably know me from the hit TV shows I was on in the '80s that I made up in my head. I'm coming at you live from this blog post in order to talk to you about a very serious and important issue going on in the world.
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This morning, I found out my roommate B. had baked a cake, eaten a piece of it and then proceeded to leave the entire cake on the counter uneaten. My first thought was "YES! CAKE!". My second thought was "Fuck I have no self control." And my third thought was, "Wait do women just bake for each other to make one another fat? " Now, you may think I'm crazy, paranoid, and high strung which I will not disagree with-but think about it, do you really bake for the greater good of your friends, or do you bake cupcakes so you can watch them eat them and sit on your high horse while I-I mean they- shove the entire tray of deliciousness into their mouth?
Have you ever noticed that most of the girls who bake don't actually eat what they bake? When you go to a potluck, do you ever notice that the girl who signed up to bring a dessert never eats it?
Par Exemple-I learned from going to college that scholars sometimes write french words in the middle of their books to make their argument sound more legit and shit so-PAR EXEMPLE:
You all know the kind of person I'm talking about. That one friend who brings crazy caramel fudge chunk raspberry chipperdoo (vegan?) cake she somehow had the time to make while studying, and then smirks on the couch while people tell her how good it is. Then she'll be all like, "Really? I haven't tried any and I didn't think it came out that good!"
Bull. Shit. She probably baked another cake separately and ate it entirely by herself. And you know it's good Little Miss Smirkey McSmirk Smirk, so why do you pretend you haven't even tried just one tasty little bit?
Look, we all like it when our friends get fat. Oh shut up, I'm not a bad person, you love being skinnier than your friends and you're a liar if you say you don't. Why do you think everyone spends so much time at the gym in college? To get in good shape? Right. Lies. In reality, if you didn't want to be the thinnest, you would just own up to how much crap you actually consumed.
And can you all stop lying about wanting to eat candy? I know you do. I know all of this-like other girls who are also designated junk food buyers- because everyone always wants to eat my junk food.
Yeah, this is me. Getting my hair done like a bag lady eating ice cream I smuggled into the dressing room. You know you want a piece of that. (Me & the ice cream. We're a good team).
I mean look, I get it. You're a fit person. You probably like to go to the gym a lot. Maybe you like to eat Quinoa and broccoli. You probably also like kale. GREAT. I'm really happy for you. Now don't ask me when you're stressed out in the library if you can have one of my fucking cookies. Because I need those all to myself and I smuggled them in inside my purse which now has icing all over it. Go ahead, laugh all you want. But I need this stuff. Because my body is addicted to sugar and I'm damn proud of it. Now go to a yoga class you self righteous kale eating hippy.
I sense some hostility in the air. Someone must have farted.
XOXO,
Clown Girl
