In Todays world, if someone wants to sext its like:
John: lol I'm so hard
Anne: ya like haha im wet brb.
John: do u want to like fuck? ctwbta. wtrfhndvgyhm, Now.
BUTTT
What if this were the 1600s in colonial America, and there was no technology? We're talking no iphones or facebook. We'd all have malaria. My blog would have to be written with a quill.
You want to talk to some dude or chick back in England who you're supposed to be marrying.
April 1st, 1645:
Dear John,
I am removing my corset.
-Anne
6 months later:
Dear Anne,
My trousers have now come off.
-John
8 months later:
Dear John,
My petticoat is most uncomfortable and I have now ripped it off.
-Anne
1 year Later:
Dear Anne,
I have now unbuttoned my shirt.
-John
3 years later:
Dear John,
That is most delightful. I have removed my socks.
---
Boy am I glad cellphones exist.
PEACE 3 People who read this.
xo
-Clown Girl
Wednesday, 27 April 2011
Sunday, 24 April 2011
Lessons I Learned From the Sex and the City Movies
1) You always get the guy you want in the end. No matter what.
2)If men cheat you should forgive them because they're just like that and there's nothing you can do about it. Also if you don't wax your legs they are allowed to.
3)When you have a baby you always have hired help so you can drink martinis and cosmopolitans.
4)Your husband wont cheat on you with a nanny because all nannies are lesbians.
5)If you kiss another man that's not your boyfriend or husband, and you tell him, he'll buy you a giant diamond and give you a speech about how you're one of a kind.
6)John Corbett (Aidan Shaw) is super sexy when he doesn't have long hair, and he should have ended up with Cary instead of Mr. Big so I could watch him be Aidan some more.
---
Sex and the City is exactly like the Disney Princess movies for 20 and 30 something girls, except instead of watching them and hoping you'll end up like a princess in a castle with a handsome prince who kisses you awake, you watch it and hope you'll end up making a giant mess of your life in New York City running after men who don't want to be with you but then somehow end up marrying you eventually. Oh right, but you have time to have your ideal career, wear the best shoes in the entire world, buy designer clothes,go to parties, and look super super hot. And sometimes you can have a baby or two if you want one, or in Miranda's case, if you pity bang your old boyfriend (who like DUH will become the husband 3 seasons later because no one's single after forty, it's just a fact).
So I'm making a cartoon version for children with the princesses and am hoping to get it approved by HBO. We'll have to cut a lot of the sex out so it's cool for kids. So Basically the new series will just be called:
"And the city"
-Ariel is Miranda because they both have red hair, except she get's to keep her tail in this version because I would love to see Ariel swimming in the Hudson or East River with her friends "flounder" and "sebastian" who since this is the hardened NYC version will actually be garbage bags filled with a dead body and a dead rat.
-Belle is clearly Cary, because she knows how to read, pushes Gaston off the roof, dresses fabulously, and ends up with Mr. Big (the beast). She had to pay for a lot of waxing jobs at a park avenue spa though so that he ends up hairless.
-Snow White is Charlotte because she is a dumbass. Death by poison candy apple is lame. And her prince is totally two timing her with Cinderella cause last time I checked they were exactly the same. In this version Snow White owns an art gallery and is poisoned by an apple martini from an evil mother in law.
4) Jasmine is Samantha as Alladin and the Genie's PR agent. Also She's one of the only princesses who shows skin.
2)If men cheat you should forgive them because they're just like that and there's nothing you can do about it. Also if you don't wax your legs they are allowed to.
3)When you have a baby you always have hired help so you can drink martinis and cosmopolitans.
4)Your husband wont cheat on you with a nanny because all nannies are lesbians.
5)If you kiss another man that's not your boyfriend or husband, and you tell him, he'll buy you a giant diamond and give you a speech about how you're one of a kind.
6)John Corbett (Aidan Shaw) is super sexy when he doesn't have long hair, and he should have ended up with Cary instead of Mr. Big so I could watch him be Aidan some more.
---
Sex and the City is exactly like the Disney Princess movies for 20 and 30 something girls, except instead of watching them and hoping you'll end up like a princess in a castle with a handsome prince who kisses you awake, you watch it and hope you'll end up making a giant mess of your life in New York City running after men who don't want to be with you but then somehow end up marrying you eventually. Oh right, but you have time to have your ideal career, wear the best shoes in the entire world, buy designer clothes,go to parties, and look super super hot. And sometimes you can have a baby or two if you want one, or in Miranda's case, if you pity bang your old boyfriend (who like DUH will become the husband 3 seasons later because no one's single after forty, it's just a fact).
So I'm making a cartoon version for children with the princesses and am hoping to get it approved by HBO. We'll have to cut a lot of the sex out so it's cool for kids. So Basically the new series will just be called:
"And the city"
-Ariel is Miranda because they both have red hair, except she get's to keep her tail in this version because I would love to see Ariel swimming in the Hudson or East River with her friends "flounder" and "sebastian" who since this is the hardened NYC version will actually be garbage bags filled with a dead body and a dead rat.
-Belle is clearly Cary, because she knows how to read, pushes Gaston off the roof, dresses fabulously, and ends up with Mr. Big (the beast). She had to pay for a lot of waxing jobs at a park avenue spa though so that he ends up hairless.
-Snow White is Charlotte because she is a dumbass. Death by poison candy apple is lame. And her prince is totally two timing her with Cinderella cause last time I checked they were exactly the same. In this version Snow White owns an art gallery and is poisoned by an apple martini from an evil mother in law.
4) Jasmine is Samantha as Alladin and the Genie's PR agent. Also She's one of the only princesses who shows skin.
Monday, 4 April 2011
Everybody texts on the toilet
You're a liar if you say that you don't. If you pretend that you don't browse the web with your smart phone, check your email, and comment on your best friend's profile pic, while dropping a deuce, you're full of shit. (pun, intended).
Other things people do on the toilet that they will never admit:
1) Watch Netflix on your computer, and when it breaks because it falls on the floor, pretend it's because you were "doing your makeup" and watching movies at the same time.
2)Write. Anyone with a diary and a real life knows that this is one of the few moments you can steal away to record your oh so important thoughts.
3) Brush their teeth (total time saver in the AM).
4)Talk on the phone (always an issue to figure out when the right moment to flush is so the other person wont hear.)
5)Tweet. "Clown Girl is in the john, xoxo"
5)Blog. that's right. I'm on the toilet RIGHT. NOW.
xoxo,
-Clown Girl
Other things people do on the toilet that they will never admit:
1) Watch Netflix on your computer, and when it breaks because it falls on the floor, pretend it's because you were "doing your makeup" and watching movies at the same time.
2)Write. Anyone with a diary and a real life knows that this is one of the few moments you can steal away to record your oh so important thoughts.
3) Brush their teeth (total time saver in the AM).
4)Talk on the phone (always an issue to figure out when the right moment to flush is so the other person wont hear.)
5)Tweet. "Clown Girl is in the john, xoxo"
5)Blog. that's right. I'm on the toilet RIGHT. NOW.
xoxo,
-Clown Girl
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