Dear Facebook,

I'm breaking up with you. Look, I'm sorry. I know that we have something special. We have a lot of the same likes, and you've definitely expanded my soul, mind, and body in the seven years that we've been together but you're just getting too much to handle. I'm the ultimate stalker Facebook, but when I'm creeped out by you, you know you have a problem. I don't need to know that 2 seconds ago Jack Adams peed in the toilet, that 1 second ago, Maya Trang is single, that .44 seconds ago Allan Gardens likes Fringe, and that 1.332344 seconds ago, this girl I spoke to one time during frosh/orientation posted on that guy I can't remember why I know's wall. Remember when we used to spend hours together not doing the things that we were supposed to? Remember that night I was trying to write a 12 page paper, but you helped me find out whether or not this kid I dated for a month that dumped me had a new girlfriend? Remember when you helped me figure out whether the most popular girl from high school got fat in college or not? You're no longer good for those things. You're distracting me and impeding on my social life. I guess you've just changed too much for me. I just want you to know, that you've broken my heart in more ways than one, that this is way harder  for me than it is for you and I hope one day we can be friends even though I may have cheated on you with twitter last night.
All my love,
xoxo
-CG