With the new Twilight movie "Breaking Dawn" coming out this weekend, the fourteen year old girl inside all of my girlfriends has gone out of control.
A typical conversation this week has gone like this:
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"Oh my god, oh my god. two. words. EDWARD CULLEN. I like NEED him to be mine. ALL I NEED IN LIFE IS A BOYFRIEND LIKE THAT."
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Aight, let me get this straight. You're all holding out for hairy pale men who stalk the shit out of you? Look, I understand where some of the appeal comes from. He's sparkly in the sun, and I love glitter. But do you really want a hundred something year old vampire following you everywhere?
Seriously, have you ever thought about how awkward it is for Bella to go to the bathroom?
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Bella: I have to take a shit.
Edward: I love you. Do you have any idea how long I've waited for you to appear?
Bella: Edward, I really have to pee.
Edward: Bella, you are my soul mate. I want to be with you for the rest of my life.
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Wow that's romantic. I think I've successfully ruined it for everyone now.
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"When you can live Forever what do you live for?"
Wow I can think of 100 things to do if I lived forever and none of them include stalking some babe.....
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Bella is seriously whiny and dependent and she can't save herself from anything. She's very clumsy, and if I were Edward I would get rid of her. It must be really hard for him to keep saving her from falling off cliffs and getting raped. I mean I know he's a vampire, but he must have SOME sort of shit to do. When Edward leaves for like a year in Eclipse because his brother tries to eat her (okay seriously?) she totally flips out and starts hanging out with the hot werewolf guy. Okay, hot werewolf guy has a freakin' stellar bod, but Bella, you seriously need to learn how to live without a dude. Sweetie, if you forget to tie your shoe laces and your blood sucking boyfriend's not around to save you, you will be okay I promise.
(this is pretty much the only reason why I saw any of the movies)
---Edward: don't you have other things to do with your immortal life than stalk Bella, collect cars, and play baseball? Shouldn't you be like planning for the future of your clumsy wife who can't find her way out of a paper bag and your vampire baby? Maybe like go to law school or something?
Another issue: Bella never gets laid. When she asks him to have sex with her he says they have to wait until they're married because if they have sex he's afraid he will kill her. WOW. that's great. Now let's talk about how when they do get married (at age 19?) and have sex he breaks their bed and impregnates her. Thanks buddy. GREAT story to tell everyone about your honeymoon.
Also he watches her sleep. WEEIRDD. If I woke up from all my middle of the night hotness (retainer, drool, etc) and someone was standing over me (even if they were really hot and sparkly) my first instinct would be to scream WHAT THE FUCK and punch them in the face, not declare the dude my soul mate. That's not love, it's restraining order material.
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I kind of wish a dude had written Twilight, cause then it wouldn't have dragged on for so damn long. Edward would've seen Bella, he would've nailed her, and if he didn't kill her by accident in bed he would've gotten bored after a couple weeks and moved on with his life. And at least there would probably be a chapter about nachos.
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In conclusion, I would like to thank Stephenie Myers, for producing a series that convinces women they need a vampire stalker to figure their lives out.
Anyways, gotta go meet up with my Cyclops boyfriend. It's our six month anniversary and I have to take him to the optometrist. He's my soul mate. We do everything together.
xoxo,
-Clown Girl
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