Rejection Brings Out the Best in Me

I got a restraining order against Santa and Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. It's not my fault! Honest. So here's what happened:
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Dear CG,
Thank you for your audition and application to be an elf in Santa's Workshop.  We hope that you found your time in the North Pole for callbacks stimulating and welcoming. We regret to inform you that we had a number of talented applicants this year and unfortunately could not choose you for this year's group of elves. Many things factored into our decision. We worked very hard to choose the most diverse group of elves possible, but feel that you do not fit the North Pole's profile effectively.  Again, best wishes in all of your future endeavors.
Sincerely,
Santa Claus

After reading the letter, I feel that this image best conveys how I felt:

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Now I've faced a fair amount of rejection in my life. College applications, job applications, from men, from auditions, from school. You name it, I've experienced it. Usually I'd just let this one roll off my back and move on to the next thing. But I think every girl has her rejection snapping point. And I think I've finally reached mine this year. So I kind of wrote this gem of a letter back:
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Dear Mr. Claus.
I appreciate that you took the time to write me a "personal" letter that summed up my experience interviewing to be an elf well. I had a wonderful time in the North Pole for callbacks and I thank you for the opportunity. But seriously Santa, fuck you. This might be worse than that one year I came to Macy's and you asked me to sit on your lap. Pervert.You know what Santa? You are seriously one closed minded dude. The fact that you would give up the opportunity to work with an elf of my stature is ludicrous.  I sing ALL the fucking time. I'd make a damn good happy elf. I didn't even need to be one of the elves that made toys. I would have been fine being one of those elves that cleaned the toilets. I just wanted an opportunity to better my self and hone my elfly craft. And you know what? Diversity my ass. I'm diverse. How many 5'8'' Jewish elves do you exactly have working in your workshop? I would've looked great in your stupid North Pole pamphlets.  Oh I get it. You don't want any tall Jewish elves from New York in your workshop, do you? You want your workshop to be filled with a bunch of fucking midget cookie cutter elves from the midwest. You don't want an elf with an independent spirit because then she might lead an elf revolution against your reign of tyranny. She might teach the elves about unions, and labor laws. I smell a discrimination law suit.  You're a bigger douche than the Easter Bunny when he wouldn't let me paint eggs because I ate all of his chocolate. You've crushed all of my dreams Santa. I hope that you're happy with yourself. 
Sincerely,
-Clown Girl

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Dear CG,
I find it quite offensive that you are claiming that the reasons you were rejected from my workshop have to do with you being tall and Jewish. If you would like to sue me for discrimination I would be happy to show the court your interview file.  The reasons as to why you were rejected have to do with the fact that Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer did not feel that you were a strong enough candidate for our elf program. He did not feel that you were serious enough to enter our rigorous training program and feels that you would be better off re-interviewing in a couple of years when you are done with your college degree. Please contact Mr. Reindeer if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
Santa Claus

 

Rudolph did it with Bambi's mom. What an asshole.

--
okay this next letter is not one of my finer moments:
Dear Mr. Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer,
Fuck. You. I have worked my ass off with the sole intention of becoming an elf and you have completely screwed me over. What you think your so damn great with your red nose? I have a red nose too. I'm a clown. I make people laugh. What do you do? You're a fucking radioactive deer. What makes you qualified to judge whether or not I would make a good elf? Have you really had that lucrative of an elf career? You drive a goddamn sleigh with your big ugly nose. All of the reindeer hated you for a reason. You are way too judgmental and rude. You only tanked my scores because we were in voice class together as kids and I was better than you.  If I were you, I would sleep with one eye open at night.
xoxo,
Clown Girl.

Why I would Never Date Edward Cullen

With the new Twilight movie "Breaking Dawn" coming out this weekend, the fourteen year old girl inside all of my girlfriends has gone out of control.

A typical conversation this week has gone like this:
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"Oh my god, oh my god. two. words. EDWARD CULLEN. I like NEED him to be mine. ALL I NEED IN LIFE IS A BOYFRIEND LIKE THAT."
--
Aight, let me get this straight. You're all holding out for hairy pale men who stalk the shit out of you? Look, I understand where some of the appeal comes from. He's sparkly in the sun, and I love glitter. But do you really want a hundred something year old vampire  following you everywhere?
Seriously, have you ever thought about how awkward it is for Bella to go to the bathroom?
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Bella: I have to take a shit.
Edward:  I love you. Do you have any idea how long I've waited for you to appear?
Bella: Edward, I really have to pee.
Edward: Bella, you are my soul mate. I want to be with you for the rest of my life.
----
Wow that's romantic. I think I've successfully ruined it for everyone now.
---

"When you can live Forever what do you live for?"

Wow I can think of 100 things to do if I lived forever and none of them include stalking some babe.....

---

Bella is seriously whiny and dependent and she can't save herself from anything. She's very clumsy, and if I were Edward I would get rid of her. It must be really hard for him to keep saving her from falling off cliffs and getting raped. I mean I know he's a vampire,  but he must have SOME sort of shit to do. When Edward leaves for like a year in Eclipse because his brother tries to eat her (okay seriously?) she totally flips out and starts hanging out with the hot werewolf guy. Okay, hot werewolf guy has a freakin' stellar bod, but Bella, you seriously need to learn how to live without a dude. Sweetie, if you forget to tie your shoe laces and your blood sucking boyfriend's not around to save you, you will be okay I promise.

(this is pretty much the only reason why I saw any of the movies)

---


 Edward: don't you have other things to do with your immortal life than stalk Bella, collect cars, and play baseball?  Shouldn't you be like planning for the future of your clumsy wife who can't find her way out of a paper bag and your vampire baby? Maybe like go to law school or something?

Another issue: Bella never gets laid. When she asks him to have sex with her he says they have to wait until they're married because if they have sex he's afraid he will kill her. WOW. that's great. Now let's talk about how when they do get married (at age 19?) and have sex he breaks their bed and impregnates her. Thanks buddy. GREAT story to tell everyone about your honeymoon.


Also he watches her sleep. WEEIRDD. If I woke up from all my middle of the night hotness (retainer, drool, etc) and someone was standing over me (even if they were really hot and sparkly) my first instinct would be to scream WHAT THE FUCK and punch them in the face, not declare the dude my soul mate. That's not love, it's restraining order material.
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I kind of wish a dude had written Twilight, cause then it wouldn't have dragged on for so damn long. Edward would've seen Bella, he would've nailed her, and if he didn't kill her by accident in bed he would've gotten bored after a couple weeks and moved on with his life. And at least there would probably be a chapter about nachos.
--
In conclusion, I would like to thank Stephenie Myers, for producing a series that convinces women they need a vampire stalker to figure their lives out.

Anyways, gotta go meet up with my Cyclops boyfriend. It's our six month anniversary and I have to take him to the optometrist. He's my soul mate. We do everything together.
xoxo,
-Clown Girl

Life's a Bitch and So Are You.

As a girl, there's always that one week out of the month where you find yourself acting completely nuts but can't figure out why.  You hate the tiny birds on the sidewalk, you hate the shoes you just bought yesterday, and you hate your friend Sally because she went to class instead of cutting it to get coffee with you because for whatever reason you needed to talk about your feelings. You find yourself playing Taylor Swift as background music, and then you start crying because "Love Story" came on shuffle. Ew. Oh no, what's going on?

Relax, you're probably PMSing. 

To prevent further confusion, I've written a comprehensive guide so that you know when to not go out in public for seven days. Boys, if you sense any of these symptoms, definitely stay away for at least a week, that's about how long it takes for us to get over our momentary mental illness.

10 ways to tell you're PMSING

By Clown Girl

1) You wake up and want to eat a chocolate bar for breakfast with chocolate bread on a solid milk chocolate plate with chocolate sauce on top.

Soul porn....

2)You start sobbing uncontrollably in the library and some dude asks you why and it's because you watched a commercial for "Happy Feet 3" and couldn't deal with how cute the penguins were.

3) You have to wear all your pants unbuttoned for a week (and loosen your sweatpants)and cry at random points because you've gained five pounds. Then you solve the problem by eating a box of cookie dough. If someone looks at you for too long, you know it's because they think you're fat and you suddenly have this burning desire to throw a brick at their head.

4)The size two girl in your french class who knows all the answers to everything suddenly makes your blood boil. You think up elaborate plans to kill her. hm...what about feeding her to piranhas? That's a good one. Now to figure out how to get the piranhas to campus....

5) Every male on the planet is an asshole and you want to punch all of them in the face. 

 Let me demonstrate with a recent conversation with one of my male pals:

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Male Pal: 'sup CG? How's it going?

CG: I hate life.

MP: What?

CG: FUCK OFF. 

MP:okay...

CG: YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME! I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW. I NEED A BAG OF PRETZELS AND I NEED TO GO LISTEN TO AVRIL LAVIGNE FOR 14 HOURS OKAY? SHE UNDERSTANDS MY SOUL.  

--

6) Why does everything always work out for the Disney princesses? why can't your life be a Disney movie? Why can't you be Belle?  Why does everything always work out on Gossip Girl?  Why can't you be like Blair Waldorf? Why does everything always work out in Sex and the City? Why can't you be like Carrie Bradshaw? Why does everything always work out on...

"Extra, Extra, read all about it, an xoxoclowngirl.blogspot exclusive,Snow White kicked Prince Charming and the Seven Dwarves out of her house for leaving the toilet seat up while she had her period"

7)Your boobs are ginormous but this somehow causes your brain to grow six sizes smaller. Why did you put your cellphone in the vegetable crisper even though you hadn't consumed any alcohol? Well, if it's not alcohol it's probably PMS. Disclaimer: DO NOT drink and PMS. 

8)You overanalyze every human interaction possible.

"he went to go get a soda at the grocery store, so I should dump him because he likes soda."

"I know Jenny doesn't want to be friends because she bought a red sweater and red is my least favorite color."

"If I don't answer this text for an hour, then he'll know exactly why I'm mad. And I'm mad because he didn't text me back for an hour."

9) Incredible urges to bake and then immediately consume the whole pan of cupcakes/cookies/brownies/pie. Maybe all four if you were feeling extra ambitious. Then you cry because you ate everything. And a bag of Doritos. And a second dinner. And probably some sour skittles. But it wasn't your fault, you swear.

10) It suddenly becomes incredibly important to become organized so you try and clean your whole house, and start by color organizing your underwear drawer, but end up sitting on your kitchen floor with a pan on your head sobbing because you found out there's no new episode of modern family this week.

Enjoy the monthly crime scene in your pants ladies. 

Signing off,

xoxo,

-Clown Girl

Talk Nerdy To Me.

I think that I'm sexually attracted to my dentist.

Okay, I know this isn't normal. I'm not really sure why since his degree says that he graduated from University when I was around eight years old but he had a picture of the solar system on his office wall and he totally smelled like science.

I figured out in high school what my type was when this guy was trying to explain some bio crap to me so I wouldn't flunk my final and all I could focus on was that the words "mitochondria" and "photosynthesis" kind of turned me on. I still don't know what either of those words mean, but I know I like them.

Now, I have this problem: whenever I think someone is cute, I kind of turn into a moron.

oh wow that's sexy!

Anyways, for your own personal amusement I have re-enacted our dialogue (which thanks to me was a train wreck) and placed them into a couple of short vignettes. So here it is.


"TALK NERDY TO ME"
by Clown Girl

ACT I, SCENE I:
Dr. D: "So CG, do you get nervous when you go to the dentist?"
CG: "um, yes.I do I think so."

Dr. D: "Really? Why?"

CG: "Um..well like uh, and stuff? you know like mouthwash. as a child. gingivitis is really bad. I brush my teeth sometimes. no i mean-HA i brush my teeth like every day. No like twice a day I mean." (insert giggle) OH MY GOD DID YOU JUST GIGGLE? YOU'RE DISGUSTING.
---
Dr D. : "So, CG, how much do you floss?"

CG: "um, like once a day-" YOU FUCKING MORON YOU DON'T FLOSS ONCE A DAY AND HES GOING TO FIND OUT WHEN HE STICKS HIS FINGERS INSIDE YOUR MOUTH. DID YOU JUST LIE TO YOUR DENTIST?
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Dr D. : "Do you have problems with the appearance of your smile?"
CG: *awkward lingering smile*
Dr. D. : "So you don't?"
CG: "what?"
Dr. D.: "Have a problem with your smile?"
CG:" yeah I smile."
---
This was followed by awkward clumsiness which if you're me is a fool proof sign of sexual arousal.

I almost broke his x-ray machine because I tripped over my own feet, but I missed it and knocked over a tray of medical equipment instead.  HOTNESS.
--

Dr. D: "Open your mouth and say AH"
(CG OPENS MOUTH AND DOESN'T SAY AH)
Dr. D: "What, no voice?"
CG: "what? Oh. AHHHHH."
--
This was followed by the poorly placed musical references. I do this when I get really nervous and run out of things to say.
Dr D. "I think you have some cavities in one of your quadrants"
CG: "haha the mean cat in the musical Cats is the Cavity Cat. Quadrants sounds like math!"
Dr. D: "so now we're just going to give you some extra fluoride..."
CG: "haha Flora is the name of the girl in The Turn of the Screw. It's like an opera. The name is misleading though because nobody actually screws. It's not like porn or anyth- Benjamin Britten wrote it. So music is great, am I right? Teeth are great too!"
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Dr. D "wow you're mouth looks really great, you haven't had much work done at all, have you?"
CG: "Yeah I work out."
--
Dr. D: " your teeth have some wear, you should definitely keep wearing your mouth guard at night, you have mature teeth for your age."
CG: "yeah this one time when I was sixteen I went to another dude and he was like "wow we need to take your wisdom teeth out because you're a freak and have advanced teeth or some shit".
--
Dr. D: "So you go to McGill? I went to McGill."
CG: "McGill? oh- I go to McGill."
--
Dr. D: "So I'm just going to palpate your nodes a little..."
CG: "Palpate is a sexy word. I mean what?"
--
He didn't ask me for my number, but I know he will next time. We had an intense connection. He probably thinks I'm charming.