Talk Nerdy To Me.

I think that I'm sexually attracted to my dentist.

Okay, I know this isn't normal. I'm not really sure why since his degree says that he graduated from University when I was around eight years old but he had a picture of the solar system on his office wall and he totally smelled like science.

I figured out in high school what my type was when this guy was trying to explain some bio crap to me so I wouldn't flunk my final and all I could focus on was that the words "mitochondria" and "photosynthesis" kind of turned me on. I still don't know what either of those words mean, but I know I like them.

Now, I have this problem: whenever I think someone is cute, I kind of turn into a moron.

oh wow that's sexy!

Anyways, for your own personal amusement I have re-enacted our dialogue (which thanks to me was a train wreck) and placed them into a couple of short vignettes. So here it is.


"TALK NERDY TO ME"
by Clown Girl

ACT I, SCENE I:
Dr. D: "So CG, do you get nervous when you go to the dentist?"
CG: "um, yes.I do I think so."

Dr. D: "Really? Why?"

CG: "Um..well like uh, and stuff? you know like mouthwash. as a child. gingivitis is really bad. I brush my teeth sometimes. no i mean-HA i brush my teeth like every day. No like twice a day I mean." (insert giggle) OH MY GOD DID YOU JUST GIGGLE? YOU'RE DISGUSTING.
---
Dr D. : "So, CG, how much do you floss?"

CG: "um, like once a day-" YOU FUCKING MORON YOU DON'T FLOSS ONCE A DAY AND HES GOING TO FIND OUT WHEN HE STICKS HIS FINGERS INSIDE YOUR MOUTH. DID YOU JUST LIE TO YOUR DENTIST?
---
Dr D. : "Do you have problems with the appearance of your smile?"
CG: *awkward lingering smile*
Dr. D. : "So you don't?"
CG: "what?"
Dr. D.: "Have a problem with your smile?"
CG:" yeah I smile."
---
This was followed by awkward clumsiness which if you're me is a fool proof sign of sexual arousal.

I almost broke his x-ray machine because I tripped over my own feet, but I missed it and knocked over a tray of medical equipment instead.  HOTNESS.
--

Dr. D: "Open your mouth and say AH"
(CG OPENS MOUTH AND DOESN'T SAY AH)
Dr. D: "What, no voice?"
CG: "what? Oh. AHHHHH."
--
This was followed by the poorly placed musical references. I do this when I get really nervous and run out of things to say.
Dr D. "I think you have some cavities in one of your quadrants"
CG: "haha the mean cat in the musical Cats is the Cavity Cat. Quadrants sounds like math!"
Dr. D: "so now we're just going to give you some extra fluoride..."
CG: "haha Flora is the name of the girl in The Turn of the Screw. It's like an opera. The name is misleading though because nobody actually screws. It's not like porn or anyth- Benjamin Britten wrote it. So music is great, am I right? Teeth are great too!"
--
Dr. D "wow you're mouth looks really great, you haven't had much work done at all, have you?"
CG: "Yeah I work out."
--
Dr. D: " your teeth have some wear, you should definitely keep wearing your mouth guard at night, you have mature teeth for your age."
CG: "yeah this one time when I was sixteen I went to another dude and he was like "wow we need to take your wisdom teeth out because you're a freak and have advanced teeth or some shit".
--
Dr. D: "So you go to McGill? I went to McGill."
CG: "McGill? oh- I go to McGill."
--
Dr. D: "So I'm just going to palpate your nodes a little..."
CG: "Palpate is a sexy word. I mean what?"
--
He didn't ask me for my number, but I know he will next time. We had an intense connection. He probably thinks I'm charming.