Sometimes I Remember to Pack Underpants.

But a lot of the time I don't.

 Packing to go to the airport is hard.  If you know me well you know that I'm a relatively disorganized person. While most people like to make packing lists so that they remember everything,  I like to improvise. Usually this means that I forget something important, like my toothbrush or my underwear. It's okay though, if I forget my toothbrush I can buy one when I get there and if I forget my underwear I can just go commando for awhile till I decide to wear a dress and then go to target where I buy underpants in bulk in pretty colors.  Air travel and I do not get along, because it makes me really nervous. I don't know why, but whenever I enter the airport I become this giant ball of stress. This past weekend, I had a new opportunity for air travel and I was determined for it all to be different.

Let me start at the beginning:

You see lately I keep hoping that my life will turn into one of those  romantic comedies, where the weird funny girl suddenly gets noticed by the cute guy who's torn between her and some hot boring girl, and in the end figures out that the weird girl is the one he's supposed to be with.  (see: Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, The Breakfast Club, American Pie). What better place to set my very own romantic comedy than in an airport? Ideally it would go something like this:

–

Airport, Scene I

CG accidently walks into a luggage cart and rolls it into some hot guy

CG: Oh-fuck-sorry!

Hot Airport Hunk: That's okay. I think clumsiness is hot.

CG:Really?

H.A.H.:  yes. So are your glasses and your excessive use of the f-word. I like my girls stressed out and neurotic with a side of awkward. I love that you're kinda mean before you haven't had any coffee in the morning. Wait-. Did you just put a scarf on your head and are you pretending to be an old Russian jewish woman? That is so...sexy. We're like..soul mates. I don't think you have multiple personality disorder at all. You're just a creative spirit. Now here is a cup of coffee. Let's do it on this luggage carousel right now.

"You had me at 'Coffee' "

–

Anyways this is what really happened:

I forgot that before I got to meet my Airport Hunk, I had to get through airport security. Usually this means I get so nervous that I take my shoes off ages before I actually have to so I end up walking around the airport barefoot for a bit. Then I forget to take things that I'm supposed to out of my purse and always end up looking like a threat to national security.

–

TSA Agent: CG! You can't take this bottle of water, this bottle of shampoo, this pocket knife, this plant, this machete, this vibrator, or this baby I found in your purse onto the airplane!

CG: Do you want me to take my pants off for the strip search?

TSAA: NO! Now stop trying to steal my cup of coffee, cause I see that you're trying to do that- and go buy your own!

CG: YEAH, Well when I find my Hot Airport Hunk,. I wont HAVE to buy my own fucking coffee!

TSAA: What are you talking about? Where is your boarding pass?

CG: In my purse.

TSAA: Your purse just went through the scanner! Now we have to do it all over again!

Everyone else on line: Ughhhh

TSAA:Okay now where's your passport?

CG:oh it's...in my purse. Which you just put back into the scanner after I got my boarding pass out.

TSAA: just... just go through...

-

Once I get through security I start sitting in a corner with my laptop at the gate I'm supposed to be at. I'm fantasizing about all of the things H.A.H. and I will do together.

  All of a sudden I hear this announcement like “Excuse me, Can the passenger named CG please come to Gate 81?”

Oh shit shit shitttt, what did I do now? Well that's the gate where the plane is leaving for Miami, so maybe they want to send me to Florida now instead of New York? WHYYYY? Ugh what did I do? Did someone frame me for something? Am I going to end up on America's most wanted because I really didn't do anything and I don't want to be one of those people on the run. Or maybe someone like threatened me and I need to go into witness protection. OH WAIT! Maybe this is about H.A.H!! Wait Doesn't something like this happen in the Wedding Singer? He like goes and finds the girl on the plane and like-

“CAN THE PASSENGER CG PLEASE COME TO GATE 81?”

I go to Gate 81. There's no hot guy. I'm not going to Miami instead of New York. I just you know, casually left my passport on the floor for anyone to pick up while I was distracted buying coffee and someone found it and turned it in. NBD.

H.A.H. WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU? If you were here I know I wouldn't do things like lose my passport because we'd be perfect opposites like the movies say we're supposed to be. This means that you wont have the memory of a gold fish like I do.

What's my name again? Where am I going? Who are you? Can we go to Starbucks? I need coffee. What's coffee?

-

Finally I'm sitting at my actual gate and I lock eyes with a potential cutie. Could it be... H.A.H?

-

Potential Cutie: Oh hey, what's your name.

CG: CG.

PC: CG, have you ever heard of this very exclusive club called the mile high club?

-

oh mah gah it's happening-wait...so he's going to take me to an exclusive night club? Those exist in the airport? 

-

CG: no, but that sounds great.

PC: okay see you on the plane.

-

Well I looked up the mile high club on my iphone. Haha funny story-turns out it's not an exclusive night club in the sky! AUGHHH where the fuck is my romantic comedy? Also seriously how could having sex in a closet with a toilet in it ever be comfortable?And what if there was turbulence? Would that make it better or worse? What if I like banged my head on the sink and got a concussion? I bet that would happen to me-

Before I can think of anymore scenarios the flight attendant's all:

“Excuse me, at the moment you are sitting in a seat where you will have to operate the emergency exit. I need verbal confirmation that you are comfortable with this.”
Okay, I'm really not comfortable with this. I'm not the best person to be around in an emergency, and I can't operate anything mechanical for shit.

Flight Attendant: “hello? Miss? The directions are on the back of the seat in front of you”

and I'm all:

“Sure I can operate it” because I don't want to make a big deal and get up and move seats.

What the heck do these directions say? I don't understand those pictures. Why can't the plane just have an emergency eject button? I hope we don't crash. Please don't crash. I feel way too responsible for everyones safety on this plane now.

PILOT? CAN YOU HEAR ME? IM SENDING YOU TELEPATHIC THOUGHTS! DO NOT CRASH THIS PLANE BECAUSE THE PERSON SITTING IN THE EMERGENCY EXIT SEAT IS INCAPABLE OF OPERATING IT. AHHH SO MUCH PRESSURE SO MUCH PRESSURE SO MUCH-

Flight attendant: “um, miss would you like anything to drink?”

CG:“sure coffee would be great thanks-”

SO MUCH PRESSURE SO MUCH PRESSURE SO MU-

I wake up safe and sound at my destination cuddling with the emergency exit sign.

maybe the exit sign is my soul mate?
-

Things I did not find this time around:

- love or H.A.H but I know he's out there.

Things I did find:

-lots of coffee and an offer to join the mile high club

Life is good.

Xoxo,

Clown Girl