Clown Girl: D is for Diet!

I really really like sugar. I've been battling this issue for years. I'm constantly on the “I'm moving to LA in a year so I have to lose ten pounds ooh let me cram this piece of pizza into my mouth” diet. Ideally, I would love to have the metabolism to eat a box of cookies a day. My addiction to junk food is hard times. Whenever I go grocery shopping, I almost ALMOST always make it out without buying crap food, but then I think to myself “what if I just walked down the aisle and looked at the candy?”. This is usually followed by an internal argument that goes a little something like this:

“you don't need the skittles, skittle are 210 calories per little bag and this giant bag has 8 servings. That's a lot of calories that you don't need.”

“yes. Yes- you DO need the skittles. You wont eat them all in one go. You wont!”

“no. no. don't buy them! Skittles will just end up on your fat ass tomorrow morning.”

“yes. Yes! Buy the skittles DOOO itt. You deserve skittles.”

“NO. BAD. BAD. WHY ARE YOU REACHING FOR THE SKITTLES. STOP REACHING FOR THE SKITTLES!”

“YES YES! Get the skittles! It's fine if you promise you wont eat them all in one go! That big bag of skittles will last you like a week!”

Yeah that's a lie. Usually they're gone within fifteen seconds of buying them, because I eat them on the way home.

Look-at least skittles are something normal to eat on the street on the way home from the grocery store. I've done worse. One time I managed to eat pita and dip it in hummus. I'm an expert multi-tasker.

I think I reached a new all time low the other day when I ate ice cream out of a carton while walking home.

WHAT IS UP WITH MY LACK OF SELF CONTROL AND WHY DO I LOVE SUGAR SO MUCH?

I know that eventually if I want to have children I need to get a handle on my shitty food habits. Or I need to find a husband who can deal with my crippling addiction to sugar. If I end up with a health food nut, I'll have to divorce him on the grounds of not being allowed to hide chocolate in my socks. WHAT? I get hungry in the middle of the night, okay?

No but seriously, I need to do something because I can see my future unfolding something like this:

–

Whatever dude is dumb enough to marry me:

“kids, today we're going to talk about healthy eating. We should always try and eat as many vegetables as possible. We don't drink soda in our house because it's bad for you and it makes you hyper. We should also only eat sweets sometimes. Wait a second..where's your mother?

Four year Old Child:

“Mommy's hiding from you on the toilet with a bottle of sprite eating a giant cupcake. She didn't want to share.”

–

When you're a broke ass college student, it's hard to find success with diets like Slim Fast or South Beach. Buying shakes and bars is expensive, and the cabbage soup diet makes your house smell like shit. In light of this, I've decided to develop a cheap, easy, (and fun!) CG Diet Cleanse Plan! It's all being compiled into a book, and it can be all yours for just twenty easy payments of $19.99!!!!

Here's an excerpt for all you lovely lovely people out there!

-Cut out pictures of really really hot girls and tape them to your fridge. The best girls to tape to the fridge are pictures of models from the Victoria's Secret Catalogue.

(Side note: What is Victoria's Secret? Do you think it's that she's really really fat? Or maybe she's a spy? Everyone knows that hot underpants turns dudes on, I mean it's not exactly a secret, so it's for sure not that the underwear is the secret. Plus if the underwear WAS the secret, then no one would be able to buy it because...it'd be a secret. )

Back to the cleanse:

Anyways the purpose of putting the models on the fridge is so that every time you go to the fridge some hot bitch is leering right back at you going, “HAHAHA I AM WAY MORE ATTRACTIVE THAN YOU. DONT EAT THE CAKE.”

IF YOU DONT EAT CAKE YOU CAN LOOK JUST LIKE ME!!

-Take the money that you would spend on junk, and put it in a jar. Even if it's just like two bucks at a time, eventually you can go shopping for clothes with it. Then instead of going up a whole dress size from shoveling snickers bars into your mouth because you felt like you were going to die alone one night, you can BUY A BRAND NEW DRESS FROM AMERICAN APPARELL. YAYYY.

-Duct tape your mouth shut. If you duct tape it shut NO FOOD CAN GET IN. DUHHHH.

GOLDEN!

-Dieting is tricky, and some junk food escape artists (ie. me) still manage to eat with a duct taped mouth. To save yourself from yourself, duct tape your hands together because everyone knows people without hands can't eat.

-If duct taping your hands together doesn't work, then a pretty good solution is putting yourself in a straight jacket or duct taping yourself to the ceiling. HA. TRY TO EAT SNICKERS BARS NOW BITCH.

Now I've just gotta get a celebrity to endorse it.

The CG Diet Cleanse! Endorsed by Kim Kardashian and that fat puppet from sesame street!