Over the holidays I went on this amazing amazing trip to Israel and happened to spend New Years in Jerusalem, which some consider to be one of the holiest cities on the planet. One might ask, "What does one do in the holiest city on New Years Eve?" Sing songs and hold hands? Pray? Drum circle? The answer my friend, is to get unbelievably, inappropriately hammered.
Getting wasted in Jerusalem is definitely something all religious people (like me) should do at least once in their lifetime. Somehow figuring out how to pee in the street when you don't have a penis to help you aim is much more rewarding there than it ever is anywhere else. Not that I would know or anything.
Right before midnight the streets were getting really crowded and I ended up losing all of my friends in the crowd. And by losing all my friends, I mean that in my drunken state I walked away from all of my friends. Sometimes when I'm drunk I like to play "Where's Waldo" with my buds but then realize I'm not wearing red stripes or in a children's book. Usually when I realize this it's after forty five minutes and I've already made out with a lamppost. Thanks Jack Daniels!
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| Oh wow, he's so tall and hot. He really turns me on. |
On that particular lovely evening, as I was rejecting other uglier shorter lampposts (I got high lamppost standards) and trying to find friends, tons of men started grabbing my ass as I walked through the crowd. Like this one dude would grab it, and then I'd walk away, and some other dude would grab it, and then I'd walk away, and then SOMEONE ELSE would grab it. I don't think my ass has ever gotten that much attention in it's life. I'll make sure to ask it later. But anyways, twenty minutes into this I realize the single greatest thing ever. ASS GRABBING IS TOTALLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE IN ISRAEL. YES YES YES!
Don't ever tell me it's okay to grab your butt cause I'll do it all the time. I love butts. I love ass grabbing. HUGE fan of ass-grab tag. Call me, we can play it later, it's very intricate and there's teams involved so we need enough people. Invite your friends. I'll make a facebook event.
I subsequently went on a mini ass-grabbing RAMPAGE. And when I say rampage I mean I ran through the street of Jerusalem grabbing juicy butts. Israeli men have great butts, (my friend TR and I dedicated a tumblr to this, check it out, maybe you're on it, it rivals girlsinyogapants.com) and I must have grabbed some of the finest asses of all time.
Anyways, gonna go grab some people's butts on campus now. Hope I don't get arrested!
See you all next year in Jerusalem, when we will conduct ourselves as appropriately as possible!
xoxo,
Clown Girl
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