Cosmopolitan is every girl's guilty pleasure. Most of us spend six bucks a month on it in the hopes that we will better our inner girly gurus (I don't know what this is. I read it in Cosmo and I'm trying to expand my girly vocabulary) and sexify our female selves.
Cosmo also has a section for men, but I'm pretty sure they don't read it because the cover of the magazine is normally some shade of pink, there's pictures of dresses in it, and if boys followed all the sex and boyfriend tips the world would be a much more unbalanced scarier place.
I've never been considered much of a girly girl, but I read Cosmo which is weird because I don't usually buy magazines or newspapers. Sometimes I learn the news I don't learn from Twitter by reading my roommate's Economist on the toilet and I guess I learn about the latest fashions by mostly reading my other roommates Vogue on the toilet- but for Cosmo I'll make an exception. Sometimes I find it difficult to get through because it gives me tips on how to properly coordinate my nail polish and paint the boy I like a picture of a pretty pony (boring), but for the most part, the six bucks I pay a month provides me with ten minutes of endless entertainment and a lot of ads for kotex.
I've never been considered much of a girly girl, but I read Cosmo which is weird because I don't usually buy magazines or newspapers. Sometimes I learn the news I don't learn from Twitter by reading my roommate's Economist on the toilet and I guess I learn about the latest fashions by mostly reading my other roommates Vogue on the toilet- but for Cosmo I'll make an exception. Sometimes I find it difficult to get through because it gives me tips on how to properly coordinate my nail polish and paint the boy I like a picture of a pretty pony (boring), but for the most part, the six bucks I pay a month provides me with ten minutes of endless entertainment and a lot of ads for kotex.
Cosmo also provides other enlightening facts, including but not limited to how Angelina Jolie stole Brad Pitt, how to effectively online shop while in class, and how to be a "smart" "confident woman" (anyone else notice that this article is always placed next to the ads for push up bras?)
There's also a fitness section which tells me how to get 6 pack abs in 3 weeks and how to stop eating cupcakes but let's be real for a second, that's not happening to me anytime soon cause of how much I love food. Seriously, food I want to marry you.
Okay anyways, love for cupcakes aside, one of my favorite things about Cosmo is that it provides endless sex tips every month.
A couple of words on these:
A) I'm pretty sure they're the same in every copy worded slightly differently. Basically all the tips can be shortened to "BLOW HIM AND BANG HIM" but since it's a woman's magazine, this is articulated as: "Gently place the tip of his penis into your mouth and make your way down the shaft. Think about the sun and the moon, and then follow this with intercourse."
B) Also, I can see the tip below going very very wrong for me:
"Tie two or three knots in a nylon stocking, and gently wrap it (don’t tie it) around the base of his penis so it’s snug but still has some give."
And then what? Do a puppet show with the nylon? Put the nylon over your head and pretend to rob a bank? Wear the nylon and go out dancing?
C) I always forget all of them in bed anyway. It's a lot to remember.
D) Another one I'd screw up:
"Make a playlist of sultry songs, and set it to shuffle during Sex. Change up your pace and mood to match each new tune." WHO HAS THE TIME FOR THIS? Yes cosmo, this is exactly what I want to think about all day, whether or not "Who Let the Dog's Out" is appropriately sultry to play during doggy style.
There's also a fitness section which tells me how to get 6 pack abs in 3 weeks and how to stop eating cupcakes but let's be real for a second, that's not happening to me anytime soon cause of how much I love food. Seriously, food I want to marry you.
mmmmmm....
Okay anyways, love for cupcakes aside, one of my favorite things about Cosmo is that it provides endless sex tips every month.
A couple of words on these:
A) I'm pretty sure they're the same in every copy worded slightly differently. Basically all the tips can be shortened to "BLOW HIM AND BANG HIM" but since it's a woman's magazine, this is articulated as: "Gently place the tip of his penis into your mouth and make your way down the shaft. Think about the sun and the moon, and then follow this with intercourse."
B) Also, I can see the tip below going very very wrong for me:
"Tie two or three knots in a nylon stocking, and gently wrap it (don’t tie it) around the base of his penis so it’s snug but still has some give."
And then what? Do a puppet show with the nylon? Put the nylon over your head and pretend to rob a bank? Wear the nylon and go out dancing?
C) I always forget all of them in bed anyway. It's a lot to remember.
D) Another one I'd screw up:
"Make a playlist of sultry songs, and set it to shuffle during Sex. Change up your pace and mood to match each new tune." WHO HAS THE TIME FOR THIS? Yes cosmo, this is exactly what I want to think about all day, whether or not "Who Let the Dog's Out" is appropriately sultry to play during doggy style.
Anyways, I've decided to embark on a new project where I will create my own women's magazine for socially awkward women on the go. I'll be selling ad space in there for food products, nerf guns, beer, and anyone who can invent a comfortable bra that still makes your boobs look good.
I've been playing with a couple of titles, one of them is "The Socially Awkward Turtlette" and the other is "Cosmo for Crazies."
Sample Articles:
I've been playing with a couple of titles, one of them is "The Socially Awkward Turtlette" and the other is "Cosmo for Crazies."
Sample Articles:
How To Get a Boy to Notice You Like Them if You Aren't a Cute Sorority Girl And Enjoy Eating Baked Goods More Than Baking Baked Goods:
1) Don't look at them in the eye. Ever. When you do stare for way too long accidently.
2) Run away from wherever they are. DO NOT speak to them when you are sober unless it's something really off color and overtly sexual by accident.
3) When you get drunk around them, get really nervous and cram as much as possible into a sentence and definitely talk at them as fast as possible, even if what you're saying makes no sense.
4) When they touch you, say one word in a monotone voice and walk away.
5) Insult them in a mean sarcastic way. This will get the point across that you want to sleep with them.
6) When they stand next to you, get totally rigid and don't say anything for fifteen minutes. Eventually squeak, then run away.
7)It's hot to be clumsy. Own it. Walk into shit. Fall off of crap. Do it. Boys love it. If you bleed that's even hotter. Remember to carry around bandaids along with your condom stash!
8) When they ask you what your name is, take a really long time to come up with the perfect answer. It's a hard question, so make sure you think it through.
9) Do the white girl bounce to dubstep.
9) Do the white girl bounce to dubstep.
10) When you forget to wear underpants or don't because you haven't done laundry for awhile, pretend it's for sexy reasons.
--
How to Trick Yourself into Thinking That You Are On a Diet When You Aren't
1) The night before, steam a ton of spinach and then pack it in your bag to take to school. Once you are at school, buy a ton of candy and eat that for lunch. As long as you are carrying the steamed spinach around in your purse all day, you're on a diet.
2) If you eat everyone else's food, it doesn't count as calories. If you didn't buy it and you ate it, it wasn't real. So remember to eat off of everyone else's plate.
3) When you grocery shop, only buy foods with labels that say "organic" and "glucose free" and "Contains Vitamin C".
--
How To Stalk Your Ex Boyfriend on Facebook and Trash Talk The Girl He's Dating With Your Girlfriends:
It's Friday night and you have nothing better to do than stalk your ex boyfriend with a group of your best girls. You didn't care about him until you found out he was sleeping with someone new but now the most important thing on your to do list is to find out if she's better than you at life. Ew does the new girl work for the humane society? That means she's an actual good person. Well, sucks for you. I hope a dog bites her hand off. Make sure your girlfriends are really supportive and say things like "it's fine she's fatter than you anyways" and "her hair is really oily so whatever you're prettier."
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How to Sleep till Fifteen Minutes Before Your First Class and Then Roll Out of Bed and Be Ready to Go:
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How to Trick Yourself into Thinking That You Are On a Diet When You Aren't
1) The night before, steam a ton of spinach and then pack it in your bag to take to school. Once you are at school, buy a ton of candy and eat that for lunch. As long as you are carrying the steamed spinach around in your purse all day, you're on a diet.
2) If you eat everyone else's food, it doesn't count as calories. If you didn't buy it and you ate it, it wasn't real. So remember to eat off of everyone else's plate.
3) When you grocery shop, only buy foods with labels that say "organic" and "glucose free" and "Contains Vitamin C".
--
How To Stalk Your Ex Boyfriend on Facebook and Trash Talk The Girl He's Dating With Your Girlfriends:
It's Friday night and you have nothing better to do than stalk your ex boyfriend with a group of your best girls. You didn't care about him until you found out he was sleeping with someone new but now the most important thing on your to do list is to find out if she's better than you at life. Ew does the new girl work for the humane society? That means she's an actual good person. Well, sucks for you. I hope a dog bites her hand off. Make sure your girlfriends are really supportive and say things like "it's fine she's fatter than you anyways" and "her hair is really oily so whatever you're prettier."
--
How to Sleep till Fifteen Minutes Before Your First Class and Then Roll Out of Bed and Be Ready to Go:
1) Shower the night before.
2) Try and Remember to Brush Your Teeth
3) Don't try to put on makeup, because you will probably end up with lipgloss on your eyelid, and eyeliner on your mouth.
4) Grab a coffee on the way to class.
5) Try and keep your eyes open so you don't bump into that hot guy in your history class strewing the contents of your purse onto the floor which if you're me is a bunch of baking chocolate, pieces of paper I write comedy on, a thong, and a laptop.
--
Be ready for more,
Happy 2012!
xoxo,
Clown Girl
2) Try and Remember to Brush Your Teeth
3) Don't try to put on makeup, because you will probably end up with lipgloss on your eyelid, and eyeliner on your mouth.
4) Grab a coffee on the way to class.
5) Try and keep your eyes open so you don't bump into that hot guy in your history class strewing the contents of your purse onto the floor which if you're me is a bunch of baking chocolate, pieces of paper I write comedy on, a thong, and a laptop.
--
Be ready for more,
Happy 2012!
xoxo,
Clown Girl
love it!
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