Buon Giorno! Ciao! Come Stai?
Eat, Pee, Love: Chapter 2:
I’ve spent approximately two months in Italy studying abroad
and participating in an internship.
Lots of travel/study abroad blogs and websites provide accounts of what
people are doing or what to do when you’re abroad, but I’m going to go ahead
and say that no one actually gives a shit about travel blogs or what you ate for lunch. Let’s be serious, our lives have all been going on
while you’ve been away and no one really cares about what you've been doing without us for the whole semester. I’m also going to go ahead and say that those advice sites don’t
really tell you the real nitty gritty facts about going abroad if you’re a
broke ass female student.
In light of this, I’ve decided to provide a couple of real
life study abroad in Italy tips for all of you classy ladies out there. A gift
from me to you, hope this helps:
*Disclaimer: CG is of Italian heritage, speaks Italian fluently, and is somewhat of a jerk in her every day life. If you’re offended by the following blog post, I’m probably not friends with you.
----
1 1) Learn how to say tampon in the language of the
country you’re going to, so that you don’t have to yell at the guy at the
pharmacy counter “Il tampono!? Le tampone?! El tampona??????!!!!!?” (word to
the wise: in Italy Duane Reade, CVS, Rite Aid, Pharmaprix, and Walgreens do not
exist so don’t expect to walk into a Pharmacia and find a pack of gummi bears
or pretzels, Ain’t happening.)
--
Literally the greatest thing I've found in this country so far: HELLO KITTY PADS!!!!!! Who wants me to bring some home??
2 2) Don’t wear tank tops or you’ll get hit on. Don’t
wear skirts cause you’ll get hit on. Don’t wear pants cause you’ll get hit on.
Don’t wear sunglasses cause you’ll get hit on. Don’t wear hats cause you’ll get
hit on. Don’t wear…..
3 3) Italian men don’t take no for an answer. No does
not mean no here. No means “Principessa, I speak-a-the English, per favore,
lets-a- make-a- the sex?”
No Mario, I don’t want to make-a- the sex with you. Go find your brother Luigi and Princess
Peach and that mushroom guy and go back to your Party or Kart. Also after being
here for this long I bet Princess Peach’s peach is pretty damn hairy, cause they don’t really wax
or use razors here on any part of their body. It’s awesome I haven’t shaved my
legs in six weeks and I never want to come home.
----
4 4) Italian Sausage isn’t kosher. Capisce? Their hotdogs are still inside
the buns. Ain’t a ton of brisses
in Italy ya get what I’m saying? This is the land of pizza and the Pope. Even
if you don’t sleep with any of the men, you’ll probably catch a glimpse of an
uncircumsized penis or five cause European men love to let their junk hang out no
matter what age or size they may be. Si signore, I went to the beach for the
day and I wanted to see your itsby bitsy wiener hang out of an itsby bitsy
speedo. That’s exactly the kind of vision I was hoping for today.
I even wrote a song about it:
To the tune of the "Itsy Bitsy Spider":
The itsby bitsy weiner hung out of the speedo’s side,
The man was eighty six and I was horrified,
He tucked it back in and everything was fine,
But I’m scarred for life and that should be a crime.
----
5) If you go to Southern Italy, a “Hopping bar” that
all the kids go to is a café with three bar stools, Bacardi breezers, and some
fourteen year olds who will ask if they can touch your boobs.
6) Eat everything Italians put in front of you or
you’ll get yelled at but don’t get fat if you’re a girl cause you’ll get yelled
at.
---
7) Sarcasm isn’t really a thing here. Wait let me
correct myself -MEN can be as sarcastic and crude as they want to, but if
you’re a woman, as soon as you open your mouth and say something back they
shrink back in terror and ask how your boyfriend deals with you. My boyfriend deals with me fine, he just
knows to not talk to me before noon because any statement he says will probably
be responded to with a grunt and a swear word or three.
8) You’ll probably be asked “Sei Single” or “Siete
Single?” a lot. People are obsessed with having a significant other here and
I’m all set once they here that I have a boyfriend, but my roommate Mace is single,
and because she’s twenty-one with no man they all think she has a birth defect,
is slightly mentally retarded, or a lesbian. (None of which she is).
9) Make sure you pack your own Diet Coke in your luggage. Diet Coke isn’t a thing here. And I don’t know why, but no one in the world seems to
understand that coke zero isn’t the same thing. This is a BIG pet peeve of mine. Coke zero and diet coke are NOT the
same thing. Any self-respecting
woman who pretends that they are on a diet on a regular basis knows this.
This:
Does not equal this:
(This is what runs through my veins instead of blood).
Diet
Pepsi also is not the same thing as Diet Coke.
If I order a Diet Coke I want a Diet Coke
and not a Coke Zero or a Diet Pepsi.
I I think I need to introduce that as part of my contribution to cultural
diffusion kind of like Marco Polo did when he went to China and brought back
Spaghetti. Look at me I’m so cultured.
XoXo,
Clown Girl
No comments:
Post a Comment