I've Decided to Join the Enemy.

I'm becoming a part of the lululemon Squad.


This is a rare breed of woman who enjoys only organic food, pretending to be a vegetarian, doing yoga, getting engaged, and of course shopping at lululemon for yoga pants, mats, bras, gardening gloves, shoes, dogs, purses, fish, anvils, etc. Members of the squad are expected to do at least two yoga classes and a spin class a day, and live on a steady diet of soybean and diet coke.

Previously I was against the squad, as they obviously pose a threat to humanity.  I thought that they made men think that all women were bound to wear lipstick and eyeliner  to the gym, and dote on their every word as long as they ended up with a giant rock on their finger at the end of the year.

Members of the lululemon squad can spot each other from miles and miles away. I joined their cult by accident. They sucked me in. This is the kind of chick who can go to class or the library wearing only leggings and a tight t-shirt that doesn't cover her butt because she wants you to look at how fabulous it is. Middle Aged lululemon squad members tote tiny dogs in Louis Vuitton bags, both obviously presents from their loving husband Mr. Vanschnooterspiel. These women are also often MILFs.

When I first showed up, they knew I wasn't one of them. I wasn't wearing lululemon, and I certainly couldn't contort my body so that my forehead was touching the floor and my leg was over my head with my back arched and knee pointed in downward squirrel position. I knew what they were thinking. "We are all better at sex than you, and you better stop eating cookies and metabolize your body with soybeans WHERE is your special yoga toe towel, and why aren't you wearing anti-aging cream?"

I was mesmerized. I was converted. I was reborn.

This is a diary I kept, it chronicles my slow initiation into the Squad:
TOP SECRET LULULEMON SQUAD INFORMATION
by Clown Girl
Day 1:
Dear Diary,
Today I went to yoga. I was inspired by Janie's Eagle-Rabbit-Bear-Crow-Pidgeon position.   I drank two liters of water, and then I had a coffee and a snowpea for lunch.


Day 2:
Dear Diary,
After yoga class, I followed the lululemon squad to Whole Foods and purchased organic vegetables and soybean product. I have learned to only eat Kashi and never ever eat any carbs or sugar.

Day 3:
Dear Diary,
You are not allowed to eat in front of the lululemon squad. If you buy food from the organic store and walk home eating it because you are starving from yoga, they will look at you like you are a monster. Bought a yoga mat. It was 45 dollars. Doesn't matter, it's from lululemon.

Day 4:
Did a double yoga class then went to spin. Got invited out to lunch with Chrissy, the leader of the lululemon squad at my yoga studio. Did not get to eat at lunch, just drank diet coke and pushed the lettuce from my salad around my plate. No dessert. Just green tea.

Day 5:
Did you know that women take their small dogs to yoga studio and then put them in their lockers during class? At the end of class, they just pull the dogs out of the lockers in their purses. Must try tomorrow, may give me an edge with the older members of the tribe.

Day 6:
Brought tiny dog S to yoga. Put her in locker.  Must start taking her to yoga every day. Must purchase her tiny yoga mat. Must get her to be in her best shape for her upcoming audition for Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2 and The Taco Bell Chihuahua's replacement. Contemplating giving her growth hormones and highlights to play Sandy in the broadway revival of Annie.

I can do this now. I swear.

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to be continued....