When I was a kid, books were lame. They didn't teach me anything about the world other than to ask questions like "Are you my mother?" to a duck. And you know what's frustrating about that? The duck NEVER talked back.When I walked up to it and went, 'hey duck, are you my mother?' it just kind of looked at me with these evil little duck eyes and then darted back into the water to catch fish or hatch eggs or do whatever it is that ducks do.
I always had the feeling I was adopted, and I think that dumb duck was avoiding my questions. I bet it IS my mother and is scared that if I found out now, I would ask it for money for college or get it on Jerry Springer.
Damn dead beat duck.
Alliteration! YAY.
So here are a couple of revisions to popular Children's literature.
By Clown Girl: aspiring Children's Author
"Clifford the Big Red ANGRY Dog"
Clifford is a dog with anger management issues. He is pissed off because he is gigantic and red, and get's a lot of crap for it from the other dogs. No one ever picked him first for their fetch team growing up, and Clifford battles with depression and an addiction to alcohol and dog treats in college. After a brief stint in rehab to get clean, sadly, Clifford develops an eating disorder because he is so damn self conscious of being so big. He also starts smoking to try and stop gaining weight. Later, he gets his act together with his therapist Cody, and is doing fine. He even gets a great job at a marketing agency in San Francisco and comes out of the closet to his mother. He meets his life partner, Fido and they adopt a siamese kitten. Yes, everything is peachy for Clifford, until he tries to go blond, and unfortunately his fur just turns orange. So now Clifford is a Big ORANGE Angry Dog.
Who smells a sequel?
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Okay seriously, in The Cat in the Hat, don't you guys think that the Cat should be charged with breaking and entering? Has anyone else ever noticed how wrong it is that he was able to just mozy on into Sally and "I"'s (lame name, I wonder what 'I' stands for. I wish he'd told us. Just a guess: Itzy?) house and starts destroying their stuff? Also why do the parents leave the kids alone? I mean when my mom left me and my sister home alone this one time when we were kids, I tried to microwave bread and the fire department had to come. I'm also pretty sure my sister and I tried to beat each other up, and we definitely charged like six pizza's to my dad's credit card-so those parents were asking for it in "The Cat in the Hat" as much as mine were asking for a burnt down house because we didn't have a toaster.
In Conlusion,
I propose:
"The Cat gets hit with a Bat"
So basically, the parents leave the kids alone, yada yada. "I" and Sally sit playing with their toys, and they are feeding the fish. They hear something crash. The lights shut off. They get scared. They start to creep around their house and they see these HIDEOUS BLUE HAIRED THINGS! Sally calls 911 and the SWAT team comes and kills Thing 1 and Thing 2. The Cat starts to make a run for it, but then Sally hits him with a Bat. The police arrive, the Cat gets arrested, and his drug ring is busted. He has to go to court, and face charges-which in an interesting twist, turn out to be more than he bargained for when he is charged with the murder of "Sam I Am". If you ask me, Sam I Am was asking for it when he kept asking people if they liked green eggs and ham. Cause that was really obnoxious.
Xoxo,
-Clown Girl
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