Taylor Swift does not know what it is
really like to be twenty-two.
For those of you who don't know the
song, here is a quick link and point of reference:
Let me tell you something, I just
turned twenty-two and I have no idea what this girl is talking about.
Most twenty-two year olds I know are either in grad school, unemployed,
or employed but hate our jobs. We have bills. Some of us still live
with our parents. Some of us have moved out and need to figure out
how the hell we're going to pay our rent. Most of us have college
debt. And lastly, many of us have no clue what we want to do
with our lives. It will not be alright if “we keep dancing like
we're 22” Taylor. You shouldn't give such unrealistic expectations
to tween girls who worship you. Then they'll think that being a
twenty-two year old woman is all about acting like a thirteen year
old girl. How about a real song about what it is like to be in your
early twenties? That song would start off more like: “It seems like
a perfect night, to get really drunk... and pretend we're successful
on facebook.”
Because that's all post college life is
about right?
Posting as many pictures and statuses as you can in order to look good to those dicks you went to high
school with.
So I'm going to be totally honest with
you right now. Hello, my name is Rachel and I have a BA that I do
nothing with. Most days I sit at home and publish crap to the
internet I hope people read and go to work in a hotel. For the last
eighteen years of my life there has never been a september I have not
gone back to school. And I am scared.
According to Tay Tay this is what a 22 year old looks like at all times of the year.
Here are some actual 22 year-old thoughts I've had in the last four months:
1) When did I become over the age of
twenty? I am older than Clarissa on Clarissa Explains it All, the
teenagers in Archie comics, the kids in The Breakfast Club, and I
have officially lost all hope at ever becoming a teenage piano
prodigy or a teenage anything prodigy, although I do not know how to
play the piano and never took lessons. I no longer need to worry about fake IDs, even though I still somehow get nervous whenever I have to show a bartender my real ID.
2) Whenever one of my friends with a
business degree lands a really awesome job with a big salary I feel
really inadequate. I never wanted to be an investment banker, but
hearing about how much money they're going to make in the next few
years makes me want to hide in the dark, eat cheetohs, and purchase
a cat.
3) ALL I WANT TO EAT IS DONUTS AND
ICE CREAM. But I no longer have the metabolism I did when I was
fourteen. I can't believe I wasted all those teenage years thinking
I was a fat because I don't look like Mischa Barton or Jennifer Love
Hewitt
So dear Teenage Girls of the World,
You are beautiful. You are not fat.
One day you will be though. So enjoy your body while you can!
4) Unemployment sucks. You know what
else sucks? Being employed. You're going to bitch about whichever
one you do so enjoy both!
5) I
think my daddy issues have started to spawn daddy issues because I
find myself increasingly more attracted to old men with money.
6) Is Miley Cyrus one of the
great voices of my generation? I just want to let her know that
she can stop. Put down the beer. And the rest of the alcohol. For
fucks sake, seriously, put it down. Where are your friends? And
does that dude who keeps putting money into his mouth throughout
the “We Can't Stop” music video know how dirty money is? I wouldn't do it. Not that I've ever had enough money to be able to eat some of it.
7)What the hell has happened to
Amanda Bynes?
8)I wish I was Kate Middleton.
9) Sometimes, at 4 AM when I am
freaking out about my future and can't sleep, there's this
infomerical that comes on about a parakeet that's fake but makes
bird sounds you can purchase for only 19.95, and occasionally I
think it might actually be a good idea to buy it as a pet that I don't have to
remember to feed.
10) I'm not even responsible enough
to own a plant. I'm really into orchids, but I just feel that I am not in a place in my life where I can take care of one. I mean,
orchids are a big responsibility that a woman should only have
when she is mentally and physically ready. I don't know, maybe
when I'm more like 32 and I've moved out of a basement apartment
I'll feel more like I can handle one.
I guess my point is, as the great Taylor Swift has stated, just keep dancing like you're twenty -two and everything will be fine. If you're not blonde and you don't know how to dance, you're screwed.
XOXO
-Clown Girl
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